Fierce.

Bind

2011-10-12T23:21:00.001+08:00

There are many things that I would like to do and say but oftentimes they slip my mind. I make many lists. Things to do, books to read, ideas that cross my mind. I make myself vulnerable when I forget because I don't like the nagging feeling of having any unresolved matter in my head.

I make lists because I consider it a facile method of keeping things organized. I like to work at my own pace and not force my eyes shut to recall what I've forgotten. I call my diary Rilm and when I see 'Write to Rilm' on too many lists I know I've been too caught up.

Which is what has been happening recently. Studying literature was what I thought inherently enjoyable since I am so obstinately obssessed with the beauty of words. I am not wrong, but the way the system is governed does no justice to the meaning of literature.

Two lectures run the life of a novel. Move on and rush another till it's done before the cycle repeats. We talk about risibility and ironies. Absurdity and meaninglessness. Yet this very act of doing so in such a short time makes us live in them, doesn't it?

All along I thought this was only what I wanted. If I had never tried I would never be truly convinced that this passion of mine is only meant to be kept. Irony here is that it is best-preserved under my own conditions of not having it examined or refined. Literature should not be shaped by systems nor judgment passed under rushed glances. The beauty of literature should not be missed because of obligation.

I laugh at how education brought literature into my life and how it deconstructs its significance. One needs the other to exist yet the mere co-existence can bring so much pain.

I'd rather read at my own pace. I'd rather have my breath taken away before I move on. I'd rather make insignificant(not) discoveries on my own. I'd much rather rejoice in my own corner of quiet.

Yet I have not come to a proper resolution. Simply(in a complicated way) because there is just so little of anything else that I am interested in.

I am living ironies within ironies.

Surface

2011-09-09T16:58:00.001+08:00

When I think of how I penned that down I wonder if I was speaking to myself instead of the recipient. It's like a form of assurance I need, to put on a facade that my heart isn't experiencing the worst feelings. If I tried concealing it was for myself. I'm not comfortable with changes so I pretend they don't matter.

Growing up

2011-07-03T19:44:00.002+08:00

When I was younger, I used to wonder if everything bought was put in plastic bags. If you buy a car, where do you get a gigantic carrier to hold it?

I used to have swimming practice every weekend. My dad made me swim twenty laps of each stroke. I was barely seven. And hated it. So I found all sorts of ways to cheat. Sometimes when the sky is downcast and he signals for me to stop, I think to myself, Is this too good to be true?

I received my first love letter when I was seven. He gave it to me and kept asking me to read it because out of awkwardness I passed it to someone else. There were only two sentences. Unfortunately the teacher confiscated it. Yet what made me scared wasn't him, but that moment when the teacher asked whose letter it was.

I met nice people and found my security in companionship, compliments and achievements. I followed trends and was too afraid to admit that I wanted to be like everyone else. I was happy but not entirely, provided for but not contented. Like you, I went through the phase of being fearful of being judged.

My heart broke for the first time when I learnt that words can't be taken for real. Promises are meant to be broken, said he to me. I just kept crying. Two things I learnt: Never trust so easily and don't ever make promises you never intend to keep. I hate how guileless I was yet am not ashamed of my naivety. For if I haven't trusted, I would never know that I can barely trust anyone.

Later on, I came to terms with the fact that this world isn't pretty. But it isn't entirely ugly either. Same with people. This coexistence made me realise how desperately in need I was of God. God, not a god. I finally understood why I tended to feel insecure. Not because I needed to be important, but my identity was in everything meaningless. Things that wouldn't last.

When I found my identity in Christ, I realised how insignificant everything else is. All along I thought life was good but this is way better. The best and only, in fact. And when I'm done living this life, I'd finally meet my Creator who went such a long way, to make this moment forever.

At the end of everything, what are you left with?

One-way street

2011-05-26T14:16:00.004+08:00

Through the phone call
You said we would fall
We could

Scent of your voice
Hinted at me a wink of the glisten
Maybe drops, maybe rain,
A storm.

Battered by my indifference,
I wanted us done
Nothing stirred
Too peaceful, painfully peaceful

This instant I taste your helplessness
In the end no one
Wants to fight alone
Forget about taking-

In and finally up
Always the harder option
We were through

Original

2011-05-26T14:12:00.003+08:00

Do you recognise feelings? Your heart goes through the exact same experience again. There are occasions when I unwittingly land in a spot and encounter a certain emotion. One unexpected evening I take a glimpse out the semi-reflective glass and in the quickest moment I recognise what I'm feeling. It doesn't have to be in the same place. Something was common but most things are different. As though the present me is in sync with the past me. Yet too quick for me to figure out what exactly. A fleeting phase in my mind where suddenly my thoughts drift to the happiest moments. When we followed routines and weren't wise enough to desire any difference. We had everything to lose but loss meant nothing. I couldn't understand why people said we can't turn the clock round. There was nothing harder than apologizing.

Insomnia

2011-05-26T13:52:00.002+08:00

There is a little light. I see shades of grey. And black. Silhouette of the drapes, staged the vinyl of the trove of a multitude of myself. How long has it been - two, or three? I was counting, on my knee which I've brought close to my chin. I always curl when I sleep. My breathing is amplified because my ear is pressed against a companion. Vague and distant, a metallic drip which seemingly follows the rhythm of the sound that proves the warmth in my blood. The night is still and not one I'd want to have. Heavy, yet weighing nothing. Empty, but filled. The unnoticed reflection of a part of the road's only vehicle etched as quickly as it flitted from the door. And maybe just in that instant, I realised I haven't lost myself. I miss me.

Hiatus

2011-05-22T00:35:00.002+08:00

Have neglected this space for too long. Increasingly feel like I don't have to blog everything I write. Life hasn't been stale despite the break, but recently I feel like I could get used to this.

Promise

2011-03-20T23:22:00.002+08:00

If you know me well enough you'd know that I have a habit of wanting to know what happens at the end. Of a movie, or a book. I want to know if people are reunited or left behind. Whether people lose or find themselves at the end. Every time I start reading a new book I find myself flipping to the end to find out what happens even before I know the characters. I like guessing the links, the intermediate chapters. This is what I find more exciting than not knowing the end. People often call it a killjoy. I can't help but love spoilers. I want to know every part of a movie if you ever start narrating it to me. The reason why I like knowing what happens next or at the end isn't because I want to feel like I'm in control but because it gives me hope. If people fall out in the next chapters I want to know that eventually even if they do not even things out they are better off in different ways. It makes me feel safe. This place is becoming increasingly chaotic and difficult to comprehend. But at the end God will come and gather all His people. He makes me feel safe.

Friday

2011-02-24T09:07:00.003+08:00

I hold the slip in my hands...Where do I go after this? Everyone around me is in their own silent moment. Fists punch the air. I don't know what that means. My heart cringes in fear and tugs at my nerves. My mind starts registering images that are too familiar. Disappointing numbers, hopeful words. Lucky times...no scratch that - I never believed in luck. Erratic hours of sleep, mindless staring at the pallor of my skin under the light while the moon watched me elusively. Instances where I would involuntarily raise my chin a fraction to inhale the air when I needed to be calm. Too many still mornings. I feel no connection between the mind and body. An inner voice urging my fingers to revive, my feet to stay on solid ground. I never gave up, but resilience pays off in different ways. I am holding a glass, that is quickly revealing the edginess in me, amplifying every shudder my heart makes. It sheds lights on past battle scars and increasingly blinds me to every ounce of strength that is slowly ebbing away. My clasp tightens and fingers turn blood red, as if the harmless edges of the paper cut right into my veins. I have to be brave. I need to remember this does not define me. There is no running away. In a minute I will be coming face-to-face with it, right there indelibly inked. Right there, real, in my hands.

Mask

2011-01-27T22:32:00.000+08:00

Corner of a bridge that arcs the bay. Three wooden sticks are inclined at an angle and they lean against a tree, bound by coils of wire. Next to me, a lamppost that seems to be taking its break. I’d like to feel its soft heat on my skin when the sky turns dark. I hope it’s beautiful, mellow golden light that cloaks the garden with a gentle glow. I’m beginning to like this place too much. Right behind my shoulders is a breathtaking sight. I study the pace of every pair of feet that moves along the bridge. And with vehicles above them, travelling in the opposite direction on a separate platform. Which the giant wheel overlooks. The intricate crossing of the wires meet at the pivot, where the sticker of a Chinese character resides. I hear voices, muffled little bits of a conversation. People have cameras tied to the necks, laidback hats that rest on the hair. I like it when people never pretend. When attractiveness exudes from an inner charisma they build from scratch. Scratch, being the mirror that tells them not a lie. All pretence will one day be torn down. If you’re reading this, I hope you learn to love being who you are. I always believe God has made each of us special.

Deception

2010-12-28T02:46:00.002+08:00

The moon doesn't stay in shape. Occasionally eluded by the clouds that have camouflaged within the nightsky. They spread across the horizon, all the way from where it gathers light from the moon, till where it almost disappears, at the back where my eyes wouldn't reach. Lumps that come in different sizes. If they represent people I miss, I reckon you'd be the one right above me. The spot on the sky where my gaze shoots straight up and reach. You wanted to be free. Yet you longed to linger in a part of me, wishing you hadn't become like this. When I face you again I don't understand how you managed to pull through that state. Of desolation. Eyes incredibly earnest to fight yet on the flipside what grew deep into you was emptiness. Now the moon and clouds resemble the shadow of a ship that's sailing nowhere. Is that you? Crazy, is that what most people would label? In a place you lived on your own, like the strips of metal flanked by two bars right in front of me. Or the glass sphere that has turned too hostile and chosen to be coated with an inner shimmer. Too ready to take risks. To protect yourself. They are all joined up now, and they fill in the spot which was previously empty. Were you taken away? Too many reasons tell me you didn't have a choice. The mind is proven untrustworthy - you were obliterated as quickly as how a simple white adhesive would colour a blemish. As though even your shadow missed the beat of a heart. If you lose what's under your feet, you get to realise what you missed. And maybe between us, we'd find nothing but a shard of mirror.

Vacant

2010-12-15T00:09:00.002+08:00

Down the dark hallway, I watched something glisten. I couldn't tell if they were angry tears or regrettably a sign of your exhaustion. I wanted so much to walk out that door and be freed from your lies. My lies. Instead I kept silent. I didn't want to break your heart. But more than that I was too terrified of leaving. I knew what you were capable of; Yet even what little I knew was only part of what I could have risked finding out. In your frustration you could have walked right up to my face and given it a punch. Easily. I never fought back because I hadn't the strength and courage. Instead you picked up the bin at the corner, raised it above your head and flew it down to the ground. Your face is filled with anguish, completely bent on having things your way. My body stiffened as I broke into tears. What else can I do? I just wasn't.....brave enough. In a quivering voice slightly lower than a whisper, I murmured something in compliance. If I kept up the front, you wouldn't have to scare me. In time to come I realised that either way, I'd never have had it any easier. What eventually left me with an ache was that I never mattered enough to even break your heart.

Someone extraodinary

2010-12-04T11:34:00.002+08:00

Through the heavy lids of my eyes I watch you lazily. You place your arms on the cool marble and stretch your legs, your body ramrod straight, inclined at the same angle against the ground. I hear your voice gently calling my name. Completely harmless and of no haste; like how seashells softly crunch under the sole of my shoe.

I put on the socks before playing with the velcro. You lock the door behind me and I wait for the usual 'Let's go'. I wonder if that is a habit of yours that I have gotten used to. Four letters are inked onto the faded grey beneath our weight. Bad word, said you to me when I ask you what it reads. I do not know how to pronounce the peculiar vulgarity that I'm seeing for the first time, and in such big print.

I love our morning jogs like these. Across the road, up a slope onto the path with the green on my right. We stop by the fitness corner and I watch you do the monkey bars. You always urge me to try but my arms carry me past no less than three because I don't like my feet in the air.

When we walk back home you hold out a clenched fist. Show me the back of it. You teach me how to tell the number of days in a month by looking at my knuckles and each depression in between. I gawk at my hand in disbelief. You ask me the colours of the rainbow and I ponder my thoughts aloud. Fumbling by the time I reach the last finger. Richard of york gains battle in vain, this acronym you teach me. It wasn't until Physics that I recalled that this is ROYGBIV.

In the afternoon you bring out a bucket of water that foams with bubbles at the surface. I carry the heavy scrubs and we start cleaning the blemished grey we saw in the morning. Scrub all four letters, one by one. While watching the paint lose its initial starkness I think of why you are doing this. The stubborn black refuses to come off completely.

You're the first kindest man I met.

Exception

2010-11-22T10:36:00.002+08:00

Imagination, is the most powerful part of me. I don't want to stop believing in spite of all my tears and the painful truths I have to learn. I dream of having my own column. I aspire to write to move something in everyone's hearts. People read it and give a good-natured laugh but deep within they suddenly have a resolution. They pledge to let go of all setbacks, and they are not afraid to face what's ahead. People never have to compete anymore. Even watching a flower's petals as the wind wafts through their hair makes them smile. People exchange hugs under the sun and dance in the rain. They watch for rainbows when the sky clears. No one asks for the time because there's nothing to rush for. They take slow walks by the lakes and understand how life is precious even as a fish hurriedly swims, as a bird stops by the stone pavement to take a break. People learn to stretch out their hands to feel the soft heat of the sun instead of clenching their fists. I dream that eveyone has the opportunity to love. To love and understand how it can also bring pain. No one takes love lightly because it is a gift. And when the sun slowly falls, marbles on the asphalt glimmer. Like hope...and everyone goes to sleep with reassurance. I dream that the world can be a pretty place.

I miss Joey

2010-09-23T00:46:00.001+08:00

xsmokedham

I remember laughing so hard at this.

Parallel

2010-09-07T17:46:00.004+08:00

'Look at the clouds. See the part where the shade's darker? It's like a reflection of that above.'
The clouds made me feel so near to the sky. Like if I reached out my hand and stretched a little I would touch heaven. On the far right, I see a trail of lights glimmering. Traced them and found a kite at the end of the invisible thread. So that was how you flew a kite when the sky's no longer bright. Unafraid that it'll lose its way because you believe the lights will guide you. So you give your best and let the kite go far. Watch it soar and rise, tasting a little of peace when it gets to breathe above everything else. You can look away for a second but you hold onto the thread in your hands. When you look again, follow the lights and there your kite is. It's like freedom, when people put their trust in each other. You don't hold it tightly to your side all the time because then it'd never get to see what the other side under the sky is like. What you have in your hands is enough for you to believe that the connection is safely present. The lights will guide you if it loses its direction or falls along the way. Such a subtle expression in what a tangible activity. It speaks of an aspect of love that I've yet come to terms with.

Kids

2010-09-07T17:39:00.004+08:00

I used to count the alternate white and black as I crossed the road when I was young. And now as I step on the last I'm thinking this will also be the last time I'll ever cross this road. The void deck with the stone benches. Six round seats. I remember how I used to sit there and wait while observing in silence. Right behind is a choice between a slope and a small flight of stairs. I always chose the latter. Face the clinic that has undergone renovation so many times. And out to the carpark because the badminton court site has been fenced with barricades. Lift upgrading, the signage reads. I recall us hauling the rackets and net down the stairs. I was always the lazy one who stood by and watched them tie the net to the poles. She would look at us from the window while we waved frantically and pretended like we were too carried away with the game. When she signalled that she'd be going to the kitchen to prepare dinner we'd wink at each other, then fish out the coins in our tiny pockets and race to the vending machine a block away. We had to be quick, because she didn't allow if she knew. This is how we grew up.

Indelible

2010-07-28T00:03:00.003+08:00

Past midnight. Through the dim lights. We watched on as they incessantly gave you a diagnosis every few minutes. Each one lasted eternity. We're silent, while the smell of drugs hung heavy in the air. Perhaps at that point of time, we all knew. But no one dared mention a word. Because it would be real the minute we say anything. And we were all just deceiving ourselves. Hoping against vacant hope, that what we're thinking of isn't true. We wanted somebody to walk out that corner and reassure us that our fears were unnecessary because you'd be fine. But none did. And we finally had to face what had to come. Too quickly, but not unexpected. We had to make a choice. Let go and spare you the agony, or cling onto every possible way in a bid too desperate to keep you by our side? Amongst us, some were relenting. Finally the tears came. On every single face. As we each walked to your bedside and let you watch us for the last time. You were too tired to speak, while my voice faltered as I attempted to. I held your hand tightly in mine, hoping that you would suddenly be strengthened to pull through this. I knew you could, because you did. But in the end you chose to stop battling. Too weary. You made your decision, and I found it the hardest to respect. But God taught me to see this beauty in letting go. Till today, I never forgot how you chose to finally breathe for the last time when no one was by your side. Alone you came and alone you left. To be with the one who has blessed me with your very presence for more than half of my life. I miss you.

Overrated

2010-07-16T21:43:00.004+08:00

I awake to the smell of cinnamon and inhale the air. Dense. Still, quiet. The road's in solitude and its tranquility murmurs of reluctance. Reluctance, that makes things too apparent. When do we know we're no longer what we are? There comes a point when we have to learn to let things go. Not because it's the right option, but because holding on wouldn't make things better. We will all be reluctant. Who's to say we've never wanted this more than anything? At the end we all just settle. It's when we realise we're just like everyone else. It's when we stop trying to be different because there's no way. It's when we tread our toes on soft sand and forget how we used to build sandcastles. It's when we stop doing what we love. Because we think there's little time we should afford for ourselves. We all hear and speak about our lofty ambitions. Dreams that are seemingly unattainable, but made believable when we pat each other on the shoulders. And so we work hard, thinking that we are in control and that what we do today determines the results we will face. But growing up also means you have to learn to accept. That we have no idea how our life really turns out albeit meticulous planning. We write them down, make oaths to ourselves. We clench our fists and say we're determined. We focus on nothing but what we design and eventually label as goals. We get distracted along the way and wake up to the ugly side. Realise that life isn't all pretty. And struggle to come to terms with the truth that ultimately we'll never know how things pan out in our lives. So this makes the idea of having dreams moot. There's no point, isn't it? We search for information, get obssessed and busy ourselves with the whole planning of our future, battling against the parts of our selves that tell us it's impossible.
We listen to inspiring stories and listen to all the successful accounts, and finally believe that if we really put in more than enough, we would be where we want to be. But we all forget too easily: we too are in the midst of people who're just living the norm. They're not exactly unsuccessful, they just don't hold anything impressive. And this is majority. Which means a greater probability of us being one of them. So when all has dissolved, what do we hold on to?
Consider finding joy amidst all the drudgery and reluctance. A road less traveled indeed, but maybe this is the way I want it.

Nostalgia

2010-06-25T18:19:00.004+08:00

I wrote this three years back.

The stark reality hurts, but I guess, that's the reason why time exists - it heals. Whilst walking home, I passed the playground and you seemed to be sitting on the playhouse, beckoning at me with an impish grin I used to love. I climbed up the playhouse to sit beside you and not before long, I was alone again. My eyes wandered around the playhouse aimlessly and fell on something familiar. "Take care of my heart please - I've left it with you", it read. I remember you smiling jauntily while you finally wrote this after several scribbles like "Love you forever", "My soul's in you", interspersed with my rejections: "Cliche!", "Something better please!". I was soon caught in my daily jag again when pictures of you flashed one after another in my mind incessantly. My head jerked up and I realised the sky had darkened. I scrambled down the playhouse awkwardly and brushed those tears away before running away from you.

Live to deserve

2010-06-25T17:21:00.003+08:00

By the water flanked by green. I observe the grass and notice a bird perched on a cupcake discarded by the traffic lights. It takes a leap backwards and I frown. I scrutinise the creature and catch a glimpse of its injury. It tries again and narrowly misses a fall this time. I quickly write. The wind's making the papers unsettled. As though it were fanning the embers of wistfulness that has found its way into my heart, about to be born out of my eyes in the form of water.

A helpful reminder that I'll always like to keep. The point where your face was reflected off every wall I crashed. Where every light screamed of your presence. Every sound, your name. I couldn't look anywhere. You remained vivid, the evil smell of your presence lingered in every breath I took. To the last image of a helpless shadow, under the swollen sheen of the moon. Desperately wanting to break free and find an afresh way. Watching it come down so close. To the part that connects to the heart. Before it finally made the mark and had the figure crumbling in angry tears. Freedom-is this the way you want it?

Blood, that has washed the sun this evening. It hasn't rained. The road is peaceful and the sound of the crickets fill the humid air. A symphony of desolation. It amplifies the agony sprinting through my blood that wants you to hurt so bad. Yet the gentleness of the water resonates: Pain propels. Just like how we bleed sometimes to remind ourselves that we are in life. And in life, we can't expect everything to be forgotten.

You are far away.

Once

2010-05-25T16:04:00.003+08:00

"I don't know," I said, meeting your eyes.
You sat resigned. Fighting back angry tears, wounded by your circumstance while I stood battered by your passiveness. Reached into the bag and pulled the black hard-cover out. Handed it over to me.
I clutched at it tightly, not ready to flip through the transparent insides.
"...you don't want it?"
"..."
"...I'll...keep it for us then..."
I stood motionless a while longer and took a final look, this time blurry. And mustered enough courage to tell myself to resist turning back because if I didn't I'd probably never be strong enough to let go.
I walked away before my emotions broke through the glass of my eyes and revealed my vulnerability I never knew existed. Hot tears rushed unabatedly while the slight breeze wafted through my hair you once kissed so gently. While my hands held every ink and scripted memory of what we had built and thought to last......all that which amounted to nothing. All that which could only remain as paper. That I shoved down the chute along with the chain that read those three words, inside which kept the the little piece engraved 'You've got my heart.'
I never heard it hit bottom because the sound has drowned out everything. The sound, so painfully clear, of how a heart breaks.

Am I asking for too much?

2010-05-11T18:55:00.003+08:00

I don't want to sound so bitter but I can't help feeling this way when I see how I get to know you only through the eyes of others. You tell others things you'd never say to me. There're so many sides of you that I don't know. You joke and laugh at everything with them but not me. You find it difficult to talk to me, don't you? I won't deny that there are indeed walls between us. But why does it feel like I don't know you at all after all these years? I have had so many heart-to-heart talks before and people who know me see me beneath the surface and know what I'm really like. I'm not even asking you to spend all your time with me everyday. All I wish for is just for you to try tearing down the fences we've built up. Tell me about your life, what's on your mind, what upsets you and what makes your adrenalin rush. Why do I tense up sometimes when I'm around you? Why does our relationship have to be so pressurizing? I'm so different when I'm with you, do you not realise it at all? I hear people complaining about theirs and I always wonder why I never do. You're a good one but it isn't because of this. The truth is we never had anything to start with. My memories of you are so vague. I've been through so much pain in my life yet you have no idea. Perhaps to you I'm still the girl who's only capable of studying. There're so many times I've cried when I see how pathetic things are between us but you never seem to realise anything. I am a human being; I am not devoid of emotions. I'm so desperate for your attention sometimes I really hate myself for being like this. All I can do is ask you for money and text you once in a while to tell you things I never consider text-worthy. I'm deep and you don't know me. And I can't say I'm not partially at fault for how things have become. I never opened up to you but how is it that I'm able to do it so easily with some people? You never gave me a chance; you never let me in. This is so heartbreaking because besides blood I don't know how else we're related. I love you and I know you feel the same way too but do you know how bad I want this? If we could be given just one chance I'd make sure you'll know me like you never did. But I think so many years of how things have been just mean that we'd never get to be different. We'd never get to experience what others are having. Maybe we're just not brave enough. Or we're too tired. Maybe you don't even see the need to.
So we'll never have.

Are we supposed to carry on pretending like this is what we are?

Twinkle

2010-04-17T16:50:00.001+08:00

When I'm on my own I like staring at the sky while I think. It reminds me of people I love. And how all the disappointments pale in comparison to its vastness. Where does the sky end? In the morning I look up and see it filled with soft wisps of clouds while I feel the warmth of the light on my face. In the dark when everything else disappears I see the moon which stays in sight no matter where I go. Like a sort of quiet. Because everyone gets to have his own part of the sky and no one can stop anyone. In this rat race with so many papier-mache friendships where everyone wants to have the upper hand, how many actually stop to lift up their chins and give the sky a look? And realise that life isn't all about competing?
So many traipse through the same routine everyday not knowing where they're heading. But if you could just give it a little thought, you'd realise that no matter how much we've become, we're all still under the same sky. The sky that is always there when you look up. The sky speaks of hope we all unknowingly long for. A connection between people separated geographically. A reminder of how much more life is about. A solace in this broken world of distraught.
Everyone gets the chance to witness the rainbow. But only if one faithfully watches the sky often enough. And the rainbow reminds us of the covenant God made. His promise to us. And like the sky, his love endures. And provides hope. I'm reminded that despite every agony I'm going through, He's safely in control of the bigger picture.
When the rain starts to fall on my face, I can gently close my eyes and feel safe because I know when the rain stops and I look again, the light remains. Even in the dark, the moon never fails to be the brightest.

I LOVE JOEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

2010-04-17T16:44:00.002+08:00

rapidhopeloss

Power Of The Cross

2010-04-04T23:35:00.000+08:00

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

And we stand forgiven at the cross.

This Good Friday and Easter, I'm again reminded deeply of how God promises to take away the past. And that I'm freed by Christ's death for me. Believe me, He's real.
How can I ever thank You enough?

Trigger

2010-04-03T01:49:00.002+08:00

A song. A video. An exact same idea. And I'm breaking down in tears.
It has been years since I've cried into the wee hours like that. And I hate myself for this. A thousand times over. But I was never supposed to be strong.

FRIENDS 4EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :)

2010-03-25T18:22:00.002+08:00

Give it up for my two favourites

2010-03-25T18:02:00.005+08:00

fffriends

Joey: ‘Sup? ‘Sup dude?
Chandler: Take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me.

Joey: So you’re playing a little Playstation, huh? That’s whack! Playstation is whack! ‘Sup with the whack Playstation, ‘sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!

Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.

One of my favourite scenes

2010-03-25T17:57:00.004+08:00

fffriends
Joey: Ross? You okay?

Ross: They’re still, they’re still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!

Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it?

Ross: What difference does that make?!

Joey: Well, I’m just—if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won’t know the difference!

Crankyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2010-03-24T18:02:00.003+08:00

I know how everyone has reasons for loathing exams and i can probably name a list here but what really makes exams so irksome is that i have little time for my diary. I'm used to writing whatever I feel, running after every thought that goes through my heart and head because forgetting is one of my fears. The meaningless preparation for the ultimately pointless grades gives me zilch time to write. What I would give to be in someplace quiet now! I'd sing to my notebook, take me somewhere we can be alone. I can write pages and pages of diary for hours just sitting and thinking. It provides me refreshment for my weary soul. People ought to have the choice to listen to their hearts. I'm disgusted at how I have to conform. BT's just hell. So one more day. I will survive.

These woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep.

From one of my favourite poems. Because it always reminds me of how helpless we are in reality.

Quick thoughts before I lose them

2010-02-28T23:39:00.003+08:00

Randomly browsing through videos as usual and I'm suddenly filled with so much emotions. Pretty unbelievable but not impossible. A girl who's fifteen and married broke the TV and actually resorted to setting herself on fire because she was deprived of the right to have any say in the family. Marriage has become a need, a process that such girls have to go through in order to fulfil social expectations. To prove their worth, even at an age as young as 3. I wonder what goes through their hearts when they undergo the whole process. Utterly robbed of all say and what little right they had. Surely their parents didn't wish for this to happen, but faced with intense social pressure, how many people are actually able to stand out from the crowd, fight the norm and possibly risk losing everything they have? People don't really have a choice sometimes. Most can fight and try making a difference but will ultimately find themselves conforming. Then going through rough patches, sticking it out, crossing the boudaries between life and death. And what is marriage to these people after so much turmoil they have to experience? It's no longer love but responsibility, accountability and paradoxically, protection. Because despite the evils and wickedness they have to face they would be worse off without marriage.
Love...has dwindled to such a state. And in most circumstances like these, I'm presuming most would never ever get to understand how amazing this thing called love is. So if you ever experience even a slightest tingle of love, treasure it. Because most people take it for granted and never give second thoughts to what beautiful things love could do to so many people in this world. I really wished everyone had a chance to love.

Valentine's

2010-02-15T01:11:00.004+08:00

"I cannot behold you without emotion; my heart still answers to your voice, my blood in my veins to your footsteps."

I love how love letters were written in the past, where people conveyed their emotions with just pen and paper, in the most primitive fashion. So few words, yet with so much feelings. Diction that's so powerfully strong it reaches the depths of hearts.

I've always loved pouring out my musings on paper but I really wished I could write like that. So personal and delicate. I need to stop and listen more quietly. And forget the world that I'm in.

Almost clear

2010-01-26T17:55:00.003+08:00

This is too darn cute :)
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the notion of love. Everybody interpretes it differently. And I think I'm getting my answer soon. Blurred images of how love looks like are gradually becoming more vivid. Took me years. I'd soon come to realise what exactly love is in my mind and heart. And I'm most honest when I say I'm really writing these thoughts down because I want to face myself clearly. Unafraid, to reveal that a part of me may indeed be vulnerable.

School - Here's the difference

2010-01-26T00:47:00.006+08:00

Half the time when my phone bleeps the screen reads your name. Out of curiosity I checked the messages counter and realised my phone contains over a thousand of your texts. And that reminded me of our random exchanges. Guys fitting descriptions we brought up in past conversations. Blake's fake boobs. When your dad says your dress is too short. When Chuck's broken and Blair's the sweetest. When Nate teaches Blair to take the subway. When Phoebe has a painting named Gladys. When we parallel ourselves to Angelina and Jennifer before realising we were thinking of the same thing. And how we used to sign off as G and S.

You know how much I like spoilers so you'd describe everything in detail to me while I listen intently. You know how one random word can set me singing. You know how bad a sense of direction I have when I come out of public toilets. You know how I love spamming pickles in my sub. I always stop you from eating your chicken patty because it's too fattening and you tell me how I shouldn't skip meals because that'd make me fatter. You know what's going on in my life and you know the names of people I hold dear. You know how I have to jot down every single thing in my organiser to remind myself and you liken me to Newyork minute because when I lose my organiser I'll probably go crazy.

How we used to rate using Damn Act and Gay Shit both which total up to Goner. How we love imitating Weisheng's gay voice and Vincent's 'thaz mean'. How I managed to pull you to chalet then saying I just wanted to tell you you make me happy when skies are grey at Tampines. How we used to google images of random people during Gp. How we come up with steps to look convincing, to play warzone, to appear amp. How we could go on and on about inserting 'like' between every 2 words. How obssessed we got about GG that we started associating all dresses we see on the streets with s and b. How much we love Blair that before her voice comes on in Good Girls Go Bad we're both already anticipating.

...And the list goes on. Things between us can only be fully understood by us both. I know there're many best friends out there, but I guess only few can come close to what we have. Sometimes I feel like you know what I'm thinking even before I say it. I never have to be someone I'm not when I'm with you. You're the person who makes me so comfortable that I really wished time'd stop when we're together because you're beside me.

You're best friend/soulmate/family.........I don't talk to you for long and something's wrong with me. Sigh, what will I do without you, S?

Notes of the past

2010-01-21T00:01:00.004+08:00

I was reading my previous blog -- well yes previous blog that had a blogskin and tagboard and which I left off about 2 years ago?-- and I feel that people should never delete blogs they have started even if they decide to abandon them because they bring back so much flashbacks. I used to blog in a more casual manner with random insertion of hysteria that revolves around school, friends and God. Comparing myself now with that of the past, I must say I have indeed grown so much more in my thoughts. Deeper, more sensitive. And I like it that God's such a big part of my life I blog with Him written either explicitly or in between the lines in my posts.
People do change but some things always stay the same - The immense amount of words on both blogs remind me that I have always loved writing. I wonder if anybody could ever understand this quiet passion of mine.

So here's some random stuff I blogged about 2 years back:

X. I said that The Heart Never Lies is such a beautiful song that if anyone sang it to me I'd marry him right away.

X. I said that I was upset because I went overseas and missed YouthAlive, caroling and christmas celebration.

X. I said that I loved going to church on Sundays because I always learn something.

X. I said that I had to go and collect homework once and I'd rather collect pig feed.

X. I said Mein Kampf. This is German.

X. I talked a lot about Vinod and inserted several stage directions alongside the quotes. "Turning and turning in the widening gyre. The falcon cannot hear the falconer." Rattling motion. Music gets louder. Lights fade.

X. I talked about how I began to like Lit.

X. I mentioned Na and Est the most.

So that's a little glimpse into the past.

Hello 2010

2010-01-02T02:53:00.004+08:00

Photos always remind you of the past because that's when the fun in that instant is captured to remind us years down the road why we shouldn't stop taking them.

I was just looking through the tons of albums we have on Facebook and I really miss you all 5 babies.

>:(

Euphoria

2009-12-26T11:37:00.002+08:00

2 facts about me that most wouldn't know:

1. Yellow is my favourite colour.

2. I love Hello Kitty.

So, look what I received in one package for christmas!

Apparently the bottle is of limited edition and costs over fifty bucks.

It's Hello Kitty and it's Yellow (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Am feeling very ecstatic ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Christmas

2009-12-25T13:46:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I've spent time alone like this. I enjoy every bit of solitude because it provides silence for my thoughts to run. I'm getting a lot of DejaVu nowadays and I still can't decide if I like it. Something happens, and I start to see similar images in my head. Vague ones. I try to focus so I can get a clearer sense but they flicker and leave too quickly every time I do it. So I give up. It's way too exhausting having to chase after several images that may merely be figments of my imagination. But they inspire me to write because I'd like to think of them as subtle and delicate. So there, clarity may not be well-received by me all the time. Maybe it is through picking up scattered pieces everywhere that makes everything so much clearer for ourselves. Because such little occasions reveal part of the truth, one by one. And till today, I'm still collecting them. It feels like it never ends because when I think it has I'm always thrown off guard when a new one springs up and fits in so appropriately. I've always missed you and I guess it's the most during christmastime. Shimmering lights that dazzle and confuse me at the same time. They fade in, fade out. Almost hesitant, but keeping up with the beat of my heart. Your favourite tracks and I sing along. Reminds me of your voice which I haven't heard since you left. Every bit of christmas is like a trigger that tugs at my memory. I close my eyes and I see myself sitting under the tree eagerly looking for my name on the glitzy labels. Then I give you a hand with your gifts because you always have difficulty with unwrapping. Then to the one flashback I always have - your favourite question when the bottom of the tree is filled with all the shiny paper and ribbons.

"Do you know who the gifts are from?"

"Er, you, mom ---"

"Wrong. They're all from Jesus."

And I always got befuddled because obviously Jesus didn't buy them. But years have passed and helped me to see beyond what I could only think of as a child. Indeed, every gift, material or non-material, is from Him. He who does not change like shifting shadows. And you're one of the best. You must be having a great time with Jesus. Christmas reminds me of real joy. Real eternal gifts. Real spirit of giving. So this is really what it means to me, and I thank God for feeling this way because I know it's real and it can never be taken away.

Camp

2009-12-14T15:07:00.003+08:00

A big blast, I'd say. I was never a fan of camps but this made things a little different. So I'm writing before I forget.
Majority of my memory lies in the busyness of it all. People passing by repeatedly. Swarms gathering, swarms dispersing. Words spoken hurriedly, cacophonies of voices and running footsteps. A request for help through an electronic device and the next second, a man scoots out of the door. A busy morning, then afternoon. All soaked and sticky. But you can't fall. Like an endurance race. Closure for the day and the corridors are silent. Bunks devoid of noise. Phone screen flickers occasionally to tell the time. A new day arrives, and it's the rush again. Greetings, invigorated expressions everywhere. A gentle breeze wafts through my hair, and I thank God. Everything reminds me of His unfailing love. Quiet, subtle, but with such great force. Across the days, rapport builds, people grow. Fruits of seeds sown many months ago. Contacts and messages exchanged. I feel a surge in adrenalin and my hand flies to my heart, which God has just touched when a boy expresses his gratitude. When another young man remarks, 'No regrets'. And I know, this has to be God. Nothing could be so perfect. All the little pieces over the months-fell into place so flawlessly. All the intricacies become intertwined so seamlessly. I marvel. I thank Him. Everything feels right, feels so good. And I know, it's His love. I'm so thankful for that decision made before anything was even planned out. Because He has brought me to and through an experience that will always remind me of His love, His grace and His providence. He has made it all so perfect. Thank you God for your kindness, and your love.

Seriously

2009-12-05T01:04:00.004+08:00

You know the feeling when you think the problem is you because you feel like you're being overly anal? Like maybe you should try to let things go. Trust others a little.
So I did. What a grave mistake. Ultimately, it's back to square one. I should've known.
You try trusting, and if it backfires, you know you're never gonna trust again. I just don't get why people can be unconcerned at all. And this is why I hate being responsible. Because it never goes unnoticed. Which means everyone starts to slacken. And it feels like I'm on my own. But I can't just wipe my hands off everything because when things screw up I'd be the first one to crumble. Things have come so far, you know you can't just let go of them all at once. In a snap. And I hate myself for writing this here because I know I shouldn't be fretting, given the fact that the one doing the biggest job is someone who's of so much more power. Yes, he's the only one I can trust. Things between us aside, it's just about Him now. 7 more days till the end.

Tendencies

2009-11-07T00:28:00.002+08:00

I drew a stickman. Accidentally gave it hands too long. I frowned at the deformed shape of its body. Quickly turned into a genius and drew more stickmen around. When I ran out of white space to sketch the head, the entire paper was littered with stickmen. All the same. Lifted the marker off the sheet and bit my lip. Eyes furiously scanning...........Futile search for the one I first drew. Held the paper up and scrutinized each man, one by one. My eyes grew tired and I gave up. Maybe there wasn't any in the first place. But I couldn't be mistaken. Then I knew. A matter of perception. When it's alone and presented singly, it screams the difference. It looks wrong. While in company, it starts to seem ordinary. With every increase, the difference shrinks. Boundary blurs. Clarity, previously indicated by red, is now replaced by a faded, washed out bluish-grey. That represents insignificance. Then disarray. When we allow ourselves to be deceived by the false callings of our hearts that in truth, originate from what we hear and form in our heads. That's how we lose ourselves.

Solitude

2009-10-29T23:01:00.000+08:00

I tilt my head slightly. Propped against the wall. The wind chills the unshielded pallor of my face. I instinctively place a palm down on the cheek. While I allow my eyelids get a tad heavier. Until they fall..and shut. And I’m gently lulled to sleep. Sometimes I wish things just stop here. Where I’m all alone with nobody else. Where the only sound I hear comes from the iPod. Where I chase after my every thought to put it down on paper. Because this is when my heart becomes the loudest. Its every jolt, trip, plummet – amplified. It’s where the centre of my life lies. Where the only one I want to please in this world is. I wonder if people ever listen to their hearts anymore. Sometimes when it’s mind over matter, things lose control. But the heart never fails to find its way.

^^

2009-10-26T23:54:00.001+08:00

"For am I now seeking the favour of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? For if I were still pleasing men, I wouldn't be a servant of Christ."
Galatians 1:10

And God never fails to remind me. Everytime I feel like I'm gonna break, He's here to prevent me from falling.
It's amazing how beneath all this tension and angst, I am able to feel at peace. Quiet, still. Slightly resigned but at ease.
So I think I'm able to put up with anything.

Backstabber

2009-10-25T02:09:00.002+08:00

When I see your damn face I just wanna 'rip my arm off so I'd have something to throw at you'(By Joey from Friends).
I seriously think you should just shut your damn mouth up.
I wanna scald your hair and tear it all off so you'd have a naked scalp. Throw gello on you so you'd have goo all over your damn face.
You'd scream yuck, but yuck who?

Your own plank

2009-10-23T22:56:00.002+08:00

I'm reminded of Vinod's lines before his suicide. Stabbed. Multiple times. Unfair, scathing remarks. All the judgments you passed.......when you absolutely had no right. Phoney cow. Quit pretending to be a person of depth. Words spoken do not just vanish into thin air. Clearly, you do not watch your words at all, do you? People can just be so shallow. So ignorant. So blind. Oblivious to all your shortcomings. Unaware of how bad you look. How much you pale in comparison to others. How much you.....suck. Pretty one, I must say you have scarred my back. But it goes no further than that. I make no apology if my back's gonna hurt your knife. After all, how much of me do you really know?

What the world will never take

2009-10-12T00:16:00.004+08:00

"You are the best thing that has happened to me,

And the world will never take it away."

Fake

2009-10-06T22:36:00.000+08:00

I have no idea how many would agree with me, but I find phoney girls really unattractive. Girls that whine big time. Girls who carry masks along thinking they can hide their real selves behind them. And sometimes they do a pretty good job in concealing who or what they truly are. They pretend to be someone they are not. They pretend to sound all sweet – oh, that sugar-coated voice, I must mention. They pretend to be unique, desperately carving a new identity for themselves. For………. Fame? Attention? How much is this worth, then? When ultimately you’ll be exposed. When you run out of masks. When you have no more hiding places- there you stand, presenting your very self. Bare. Naked. How tragic. You’re just running in circles. Chasing your own tail. And sadly………back to square one. Why then, did you not choose to reveal the truth from the beginning? That would have saved yourself so much hassle, pretty. And some may not even realise it, but in the midst of their pretence, they lose themselves. Don’t remind me of how foolish these girls are again. Having been around for seventeen years, I guess I’m able to say that I love my friends for what they truly are and for what they believe in themselves. That’s what attracts me because that’s what I consider admirable. Some girls should just drop their act. And get a life.
Sorry I’ve been rambling.

Past

2009-09-29T16:52:00.002+08:00

A walk past the trees in the backyard, out of the familiar gate we used so often. The air smells of fresh apples and cinnamon, so sweet I couldn't help taking a few more breaths. Steps ahead of the mud wall, a figure shifts herself with difficulty and finally staggers out of the cab. In her late sixties, I thought. Her face was gaunt, sunken with creases at her chin and at the side of her eyes, so intricately connected as if they were scripted right there from the start. A wave of nostalgia hits me unannounced and I shift my previously static gaze to the tree that towered above the flats. Sunlight flickers through the leaves and warms my cheeks. I move a few steps forward, onto the sidewalk. The road has become unusually quiet. The old lady has gone. I am left on my own. I look up into the horizon and somewhere among the tinge of blue, I caught a glimmer of your presence.

Passion

2009-09-07T01:24:00.003+08:00

A flashback. Two years ago. I recall the first time when I read that poem. The theme was love-hate. I couldn't interpret it. Because I never imagined one could love and hate someone at the same time. I used to think love always exists by itself. Without any speckles of impurities. But that moment changed my entire mindset and made me ponder for a while. A long while. Love, does come in many forms. Sometimes more than you could imagine. Mostly a combination of emotions.
My emotions are easily affected by the poems I read and feel deeply for. I was just wondering, maybe I'm contented with dying while I pen down the last word of my life. I never want to stop writing.

NCU!

2009-08-29T03:36:00.002+08:00

Chinese lessons are our favourite because we don't attend any.

Twilight

2009-08-29T03:14:00.004+08:00

The usual brown scrunchie in her hair, a dingy little bag slung at her front. Black diminutive sneakers that she wears. I see her every morning, wonder if she realises that. She takes a few steps forward, and the doors slide open. Habits are hard to change, aren't they? I take the same spot every morning. She too. She leans her head against the glass, and I do the same. Across me, a mirror image. I'm falling fast asleep, the music in my ipod segueing from rock to slow, the train swaying lightly as though it has no wheels beneath. Occasional rocking back and forth, like a merciful lullaby. I look at the row of seats a few metres away. Fully occupied. Shoulder to shoulder. All eyes closed. Oblivious to the distracting blare coming from those speakers. It makes me sad to see the world so tired. World including myself. Because we know ultimately all that we have on Earth, we can't take them to our graves. If I were one of those naive girls who believed in magic, I'd wish for the world to remain in dark forever. That way, we never have to wake up. That way, the resigned expressions on our faces will never be exchanged. That way, there will be no reflection to see ours for ourselves.

Last laugh

2009-08-20T00:17:00.003+08:00

Dear Physics,

I'm truly surprised you chose to be my foe this time. Does my love for Lit intimidate you? Are you so desperate for my attention that you took a deep plunge this time round? Frankly, I find it disturbing because there is no way you can thwart my passion. Try as you might, Lit will never be replaced. Not by you, you desperado. You're inciting regretful thoughts in me but you can't stay this way for long. I've decided to befriend you and maybe look at you with minimal affection, does this satisfy you now? You're looking like a loser, it puts you to shame. Maybe you'll plead for my forgiveness. Maybe you'll continue harbouring your evil intentions. Whatever the case, you're nowhere near Lit. I may include you in my daily schedules but between us there will never be love. Only responsibility. For the choice I made. For the trust I have in God. Look, you have now won my time, not me, over. How pathetic is this?
You have made a great mistake- you belittled love.

I'm giving you a chance to repent, because Shakespeare once wrote "Kill me with spites, yet we must not be foes."
I don't have to spell it out for you; What I just said above, that's Lit.

And what have I just done? I've personified you. What's that again?
Clearly, it shows my love has gone through the depths which you can only dream of reaching.

Q FTW

2009-08-08T23:38:00.001+08:00

PE lessons make up half of what SA means to me.

(points to centre of picture)

Through

2009-08-01T17:04:00.000+08:00

I’m seated right at the front. Resting my chin on the bottle. Eyelids are weighing down. Limbs are almost motionless. Except for my right hand, because it’s the only thing that’s keeping me awake. I stare down at my paper. Red ink scrawled all over. While the lady before me speaks, I sense a veneer of hypocrisy. Not her, of course. How can she be blamed? It’s the way society functions. With the perpetuator invisible. While everyone runs this rat race. Aimlessly. Got me wondering, why do people bother running when they have absolutely no idea where they’ll reach ultimately? But this point is moot. Maybe in life, there is no answer because we are all brought up this way, accustomed to competing albeit we have no idea why. Maybe we have to search for the answer, but ultimately, what does it matter? Do we have a choice, even? To disqualify ourselves? Many have sought but never found. But truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever need any answer. Because He has found me. His grace alone, suffices. Life is just so overrated sometimes.

Round trip

2009-07-23T01:10:00.003+08:00

Head against the glass pane, staring out at the chilly scene. The wind is howling. People are whipping out umbrellas, dashing to that busstop. The busstop where I've been to countless times last year. I adjust my heavy head a little and my gaze shoots straight to that building. Hasn't changed much, has it? I haven't forgotten how much it wrecked my heart every time I walked out of it, how I fought to quell those tears that just wouldn't go away, how the humid air choked my throat. I remember the night when I tucked you in bed while I sang Jesus loves me with the kids. You were falling fast asleep........that looked so peaceful. I really wished time stopped there. On the night when I walked out of the hospital for the last time, I finally let go of those selfish thoughts. I knew you'd have it so much better in heaven. I cried the hardest in my entire life. It's been a year since.....How have you been? Maybe you're reading this with Jesus now. Just wanted to let you know, I miss you and definitely love you still, every day. One year has passed. Means a step closer to heaven, a step closer to you. Thank God there's Him, or I would never know how to face this. You've always been in my thoughts, dearest grandmom.

Nightskies

2009-07-21T01:41:00.003+08:00

Dear Grace,

While you stand miles away, across the oceans and the seas, do remember how much we love you. I'm gonna miss you, again.

Happy Birthday Quans and Johnnies! (:

Kids

2009-07-21T01:02:00.001+08:00

Bestest (:

Eighteen (:

2009-07-15T17:44:00.003+08:00

Botanic again this sat! With kids!!

Identity

2009-07-11T17:38:00.002+08:00

I encountered a rush of familiarity during GP class. Something warm, something that made my adrenalin sprint. Prejudice. Social divides. Like literature class. My thoughts wouldn't stop returning. Surface, superficiality. Women in Maycomb. Society. I picked up my pen and it went from there. Took me a while to realise Prejudice has been one of those topics I favoured. Sensitive issues, what people often tend to avoid and turn a blind eye to. But knowing well it doesn't drive them away. Tackling them has always been a favourite - the memory remains vivid. Because it reminds me of where I stand. My opinions. My perspective. Myself. I'm clear. And it's calling for me to face it - my passion has never waned. Maybe a second chance will make a difference. Guess I'll never know, because I never dwell on 'What-ifs'. And recalling the decision was not made without prayer, I feel safe. Perhaps I never liked taking my passion to be the ordinary. Because it’s my own keep, it belongs to myself and it should never be examined. Subjected to the judgement of others who may not even share my thoughts. Had I left it this way, passion wouldn’t remain pure then, would it? I’m clearer. No regrets, because I am my passion’s keeper.

Threegs

2009-07-11T17:27:00.002+08:00

Grace looks retarded haha, but I love them both vvvvvvvvvvvvvv much.

Polaroid maniacs

2009-07-04T23:52:00.004+08:00

Don't be surprised when we see something similar in a week's time girls.

Say whoopee.

2009-07-04T23:37:00.006+08:00

Seriously overdue

Clearly, I'm in the mood to post pictures today.

WWID w/o you?

2009-07-03T01:17:00.005+08:00

My every move, every thought. Every trigger, every slightest judgement that goes on inside. When my heart plummets, when my jaws clench. When I feel like every ounce of my strength is battered, when every breath feels like the last, you know them. You see me right through my emotions, it's as if you were me. You know me, way more than myself. Distractions, disorientation. I lose focus and forget that even so you'd know. It's amazing when I look away from everything else and turn my eyes entirely, solely, onto you. Because you always make things fall in place. No one.. could ever make me feel so safe. That's when I know you're God. I know you're spurring me on whenever I feel like I'm losing it. Whenever I try to rely on myself. My weak self. I know I can't. The cheesy line goes, my life would suck without you. But you're different. Without you, my life wouldn't just suck. It'd be over. Way, way over.
That's why I'd have it no other way.

It's such a bliss to have you in my life.

Misery

2009-07-03T00:21:00.005+08:00

June,

is over.

So are the Cts.

So I'm back.

And my words still hold, pics will only be on facebook unless I feel like posting any here.

Make or break.

2009-06-14T00:46:00.003+08:00

When it's all said and done, nothing else can be changed then. So what I do today, makes a difference. My thoughts never run dry, but they become such an avalanche sometimes I really feel like I have a lot to write here. But for now, I've decided I shall just take a break.

Holidays have been too fun. Life's been busy enough, I have to really start hitting the books. Or notes. Or whatever you call it.

From now on, pics will only be on facebook, don't think I'll post any here unless I feel like doing so.

I'm not pushing panic buttons for nothing. The last thing I'd imagine is... well I shan't.

On hiatus until CT's over. Just the sound of it makes my ears twitch.

Ardor

2009-06-02T23:12:00.002+08:00

The train jerked to a halt. My eyes roved around the partially filled cabin. A woman walked in and occupied the seat next to the door. Deftly lifted her hand and waved to a figure outside. I tilted my head and caught a glance of a man. Her husband, I supposed. He waved back. She gave a little smile and waved again. This time longer. The train door shutted while she waved for the last time. Until the figure diminished and finally disappeared. She shifted her unwavering gaze unintentionally to a quick look at the person sitting across her as she turned her head. Instinctively, I averted my eyes as if I feared she knew I was observing her every gesture. Two seconds. Three. Sensing she had looked away, I turned back. Reclined in her seat was her small, frail frame. With her eyes shut, a slow, spreading smile. Maybe this is what I'd call bliss. Feeling safe, aware of the presence of your loved ones. Small, little gestures that do not call for much action. Every emotion, every slightest tingle felt, comes from within. And it travels. Love.. could be so simple.

:)

2009-05-31T23:55:00.006+08:00

I love you guys and if you don't love me back you can come kiss my ass.

Hahahaha! (Inside joke)

Terms are over. I'm finally getting a bit of rest hurrahhhhhhhhhhhhh^^

09S18!!

2009-05-28T00:47:00.004+08:00

So we set out after school yesterday to find Ms Wee.

Check out our class at dhoby ghaut in our coolest class jersey ever.

Girls

and guys. Haha seriously.

We had 2 hours of break today!!

Spent it all playing werewolves at the fitness corner ^^

Oh my gosh I seriously need to study hard, I can't can't can't can't change class! I don't know how life in SA would be without this wonderful company :S

The closer, the harder to leave I guess.

I MUST DO WELL FOR CT OR I'M JUST DEAD.

Worst

2009-05-16T01:01:00.003+08:00

This sucks. It never seems to end, does it? I feel so incompetent, so inadequate, so.. lousy. Maybe you'll secretly judge me in your hearts. Because you are all the elites, I'm not. It's a double-edged sword now, isn't it? Nothing comes single-handedly. Dragging you guys down, is definitely the last thing I would wanna do. I'm so afraid. I'm losing courage even before the battle's begun. When what triggered this was only a simple text. Ranked last. No excuses, I suck. I hope things turn out for the better. I'm sure this name makes sense. God's with us. God's with, me.

Ida's farewell

2009-05-15T00:35:00.002+08:00

So we had this little surprise for her where we sang the Barney song. It goes:

"I love you, You love me

Let's all get together to love Ida

With a great big balloon and a cake from us to you

We love Ida forevermore!"

And the chinese version haha!!

As I thought back, I realised I never imagined us to ever be friends like this. Having Ida in my life has really made things so much different. God's amazing ^^

Ida

2009-05-11T03:05:00.001+08:00

She's my favourite. (:

Bygones

2009-05-11T01:09:00.003+08:00

Last night, a bleep. Under the pillow. I awoke. Rubbed my eyes a little and whipped out my phone, wondering who would text me at such an unearthly hour. It read ' I'm sorry '. Half-squinting at the screen, I thought for a little.
' You sent wrongly. '
But the reply came back, no. It took me a while. I sensed the sincerity I guess. Funny, it's been about what.. three years? I've put the past behind, you were forgiven long ago. I'm sure we're still friends. Definitely. I tucked my phone back under. And as the thunder sets in, despite the stormy night, I felt a warm stirring in my heart as I snuggled back to bed. With the blanket held close, it felt so safe.

Time, a nauseating crawl.

2009-04-25T22:39:00.001+08:00

I’m watching as the seconds tick by on the digital screen. Fast. But not fast enough. Eyes lifted up to the screen, hollow. Half-stoning. Mind drifting away. Take a peek at the watch again, two minutes. Restless. The person beside me jots down notes. Earnestly. While the teacher gives her precious comments on the group’s presentation earlier. Comments? Or judgements? Criticism? To spur the students on, or to simply kill time? She takes a quick glance at her watch. Secretly waiting for the lesson to be over, I bet. I shift my eyes back to my notes. Doodle a smiley and spam dots at the side. Not interested at all. Brain is dead. I’m just in my own corner of happy with this scrap of foolscap and the pen in my hand. Thinking. Thinking about….nothing. My thoughts at this point have become too incoherent to be scripted down, one by one. I’m humming my favourite song while I write. While others are actively engaged in the discussion about… about what? Oh yes the comprehension. A man comes in suddenly. Informs us about the honeybees whose homes have been destroyed by yesterday’s storm. He warns us to be quiet and travel in small numbers. I laugh at this unexpected scene with a dreamlike quality. He leaves and I look out the window. Honeybees…dancing in the air. Frantically. In a swirl. Before my thoughts flew with them, the bell rings. End of another school day, hurrah. Bliss.

Another

2009-04-18T23:09:00.004+08:00

I am not unaware that maturity sets in at different stages in different people. But it can get annoying when I find people being unable to see things the way I do, but viewing things in a one-sided manner, being over-anal about insignificant details. I understand that some people cry, scratch their heads, and ultimately find themselves back at square one. But seriously, many things just lie within one self. Whether you want to, or not. There isn't any 'I can't' if you could just stop shutting that option out even before you measure the possibilities. When things seem not you, it calls for a change. A change within. Is it so hard to comprehend, even?
Every day, judgements are passed. Within you, within me. Unfiltered, scathing remarks. Words carelessly dished out. It's very simple. You hand in a report and when it comes back, the comments down in red ink on the side read 'flawed assumptions'. You have been judged. Nobody likes this feeling. Because nobody really knows what we're like, so how can anyone just judge us based on what they think? But isn't this the way society functions? People live with judgements because they think it gives them a mind of their own. But what happens if you've misjudged? A lapse in judegement? Truth is, you'll never know. Ever since I've read that we too have flaws that we ourselves are utterly blind to, I always check myself when people around me start judging others. When I see and become clear of my own flaws, what others are judged by don't matter anymore. I don't wanna join in any of such judgements, but thoughts inclined to them would unwittingly surface in my head. Contradicting....isn't it? Conforming is the last thing I'd wanna do, and rejoice, because despite the circumstance I always manage to find peace, where things are between only God and myself. ^^

TGIF!!

2009-04-18T23:04:00.005+08:00

I can never thank God enough for how blessed I am to be in this class.

On a friday after GP, things can get really beautiful.

Look at how retarded Vincent is. Seriously.

Latest about our class: After DDC he has formed the GC.

when pictures like this go onto facebook, this is what we get:

Vincent Lim at 5:47pm April 17
look at GINA!!!WOAHHHH

Vincent Lim at 5:47pm April 17
so SEXY

Bobby Tjandra at 5:49pm April 17
AHAHAH TRUE LOL!

Chloe Chen at 6:53pm April 17
haha!

Ryan Chen Zhiyang at 6:55pm April 17
im stunned

Bobby Tjandra at 6:55pm April 17
u should LOL!... see our water polo girls powerrr ahah

Vincent Lim at 7:44pm April 17
look at chloe....she look goofy

Tan Hai Liang at 8:59pm April 17
LoL chloe like jiang-shi

Shawn Lee at 9:34pm April 17
eliza kena block lol

Chloe Chen at 9:48pm April 17
what is jiang-shi??

Bobby Tjandra at 9:50pm April 17
how i know LOL

Sherry Yeo at 9:51pm April 17
why is shawn tan pointing at my head? HAHA! Jiang shi = zombie/vampire

Bobby Tjandra at 9:52pm April 17
hes A retard ALOL

Vincent Lim at 2:57pm April 18
lol i agree wiffff ryan

Chloe Chen at 4:52pm April 18
aye i dont look like jiang shi eh. hahah yah why is shawn pointing at sherry's head?

Vincent Lim at 11:21pm April 18
gladys damn retarded...chloe u lose to gladys

Bobby Tjandra at 11:22pm April 18
vincent looks... plain ahah!

Gladys Sim at 11:32pm April 18
i look retarded?yes i win

Haha I said my class loves facebook!! 09S18!!

2009-04-11T10:09:00.003+08:00

I can never emphsize enough, Pw's the worst subject ever. Really. I thought of so many ideas and they all got rejected. When I finally submitted the first draft it didn't get through. TELL ME, WHAT'S WORSE THAN PW!!

On a lighter note I've been feeling pretty good these few days because I'm keeping close to friends whom I really love and wanna have forever, and I really thank God for that.

I haven't read TKMB for ages. Haha how I used to do that so frequently I never wanted to touch it again. No more TKMB, no more Atticus, no more Aunt Alexandra, no more 'coexistence of good and evil', no more 'superficiality of women'. No more Vinod, no more Saloma, bird, symbols, robbery the turning point, no more vulnerabilities and insecurities. No more enjambment, rhyme, repetition, metaphor, imagery. I remember how I used to argue through every piece of essay.. the adrenaline rush when my head's bombarded with thoughts and my hand can't stop writing....how pensive I was whenever I sat down and analysed the question like how Ms Rani always did. I really miss having Lit lessons, writing Lit essays, penning down my most original thoughts. I have always loved Lit, because it's the only subject that makes me feel most myself. Because when I write, I use my own points, I have my own stand, and I support it to win and convince the reader over. Because they are the most original, unaltered ideas that come from me, myself. And I feel good every time I am able to complete an essay thoroughly with all my innermost thoughts voiced out.

I really miss Lit. Really. It has always been my passion...but why did I give it up?

Drag

2009-04-02T18:25:00.003+08:00

Back to school. Pretty much of a drag. Every single day I'll just drag my feet to lectures and tutorials then pull a looooooooooong face and people would ask me gladys why you so sad and I would reply school's a draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!!

I can never emphasize enough how good fridays are, seriously. Every friday when we've finally made it we go TGIF TGIF!! So tgif, cus it's friday tomorrow hurrah!!

I just emailed grace I'm so happy!!

Ciao.

PROJECT WORK IS THE WORST SUBJECT EVER.

Chill

2009-03-20T17:53:00.005+08:00

Seriously, Amanda.

Pink elephants!!

Haven't met up in a while. Jenn wasn't around. Nevermind, dinner on 28th may!

Southern Ridges

2009-03-19T11:43:00.010+08:00

Breakfast at Toastbox. Early morning, started off at Vivocity.

All breathless and perspiring. I really don't understand why some came in jeans.

End of walk!! Lunch at Clementi and went over to Ida's place! Bathe. Movie marathon.

Dinner in her garden!

Played some table games. Did sharing. Explored a little.

I really wanna have a stayover!! The whole place is so cosy I really don't feel like moving anywhere.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE!! WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK!! I MISS YOU!!

foureight clique!

2009-03-19T11:38:00.004+08:00

All pictures taken at Estella's house. Thank you guys for the funny night! (:

Seventeen

2009-03-16T00:33:00.003+08:00

I could imagine, 17 years ago, your anticipation. The longing for my arrival. Though I have no recollection, I really thank God you were around when I first opened my eyes. You watched me grow day by day, you heard my first words. Five. You fetch me to kindergarten and wait for me at the void deck after school. The sun sets, and you make me go to bed at nine. Saturday morning, and I follow you to the market. Sundays, always the best. You wake me up so early, we reach church way before service starts. I lead you to your usual seat on the pews-seventeen. Run to get the bulletin for you. You adjust your glasses a little and start singing while I stare blankly at the chinese characters. Time for offering, and I wait for the bag to reach us. I would gently place the note inside without quite knowing its significance. After service, I run up the flight of stairs to the gallery where it's quiet to pray. To ask God to protect us. To thank God. Seven, and I attend school in the morning. You walk me to the road a few blocks down and wait for the schoolbus to arrive. I wave to you and slowly watch your figure diminish as the bus turns away. After school, and you pick me up at the same area. My hungry stomach churns while I watch you prepare lunch. In the evening when you weren't looking, I would playfully sneak to the refrigerator to steal a sip of cold drink. On days when I'm unlucky you would catch me red-handed and make me go on my knees in the balcony. Till I apologised. On days when you're in a better mood you'd randomly tell me to get a pen and paper to jot down the lyrics while you sing. Your favourite's Jesus Loves Me. Twelve, and I moved. Reluctantly. We hardly slept in the same house since, but I'd go to your place after school, every day, without fail. And I feel like a child all over again. A year back. Your memory started to fail you. You seemed to lose awareness. I was really frightened, keeping my fingers crossed you'd be fine the next morning. Months back, I knew. I knew but tried my best to run away. Selfishly prayed for God not to take you home. Perhaps this has been in me since young. I've never imagined a day without you. Like a kid, I thought if I stopped thinking about it everything'd be fine. But no, not this time. It was time for me to let go. That night on the cab when I recieved the phonecall, I almost passed out. Most painful night. With a lump in my throat I sprinted all the way to your bedside. You have left. Peacefully. Trembling, I went to your ear and whispered 'I love you Grandmom'. Holding my breath as I prayed, I knew you were finally free from all the pain. I knew you were safe. With God. I just wanna thank you Lord, I would have crumbled if not for You.

It's the first time in 17 years. You're not around to celebrate it with me. Sometimes when I close my eyes I really wish you'd be right in front of me when they fly open. How many times have I cried? I can't remember. Neither can I stop. But when I look up at the sky at night, I feel safe, because I know you're wacthing me from above. With God. This is the best thing in my life. Celebrations don't matter anymore. I'm contented enough, when I know I already have the best. I miss you Grandmom, and I'm now 17. I love you, and this it will be, forever.

2009-03-11T17:50:00.002+08:00

Jenniflur, Jo and Amanda, happy belated birthday!!

One awesome thing is, I have to go back to school for only one hour on one day because I take 4H2 hurrah!!

09S18

2009-03-06T23:32:00.005+08:00

My class is really active in facebook it's like everyday there'll be either photos/videos uploaded and we belong to a group in fb and my position is HUHU!! (no idea what that is but someone assigned it to me haha)

Check them out:

Cross Country

Econs period(when the teacher wasn't around)

Checking out hot girls in the year book.See the guy with the fan? He's the macho Korean guy(Doyong). What an oxymoron.
All photos were taken by Bobby who apparently goes around taking unglam and candid shots of our class. Yes, this is my class, and I'm being most honest when I say I love being in 09S18.
I love breaks, because we sit together and eat as a class.
I love PE lessons, because we run, do PT, and play games as a class.
And I love the spirit that we have.
During handball today, Doyong actually had the ball in his hand and was standing right in front of the goal post, the best position to shoot. Yet he passed the ball to someone else.
So I asked him, "Why didn't you shoot?"
He replied, "I think we should give everyone a chance. Cus it's damn unfun if the same people do the same things all the time in a game, especially when we're in a class."

Seriously, my class rocks.

2009-03-04T17:45:00.002+08:00

Msa sucks. One more week, and I'll be (temporarily) out of this. Life goes on- boon or bane? Can't be bothered. Things in school have gotten so tiring I would really trade anything for time to sleep. Ciao.

2009-03-02T17:36:00.001+08:00

Happy seventeeth Geraldine (:

On a random note, I realised the world's really small.

Update

2009-03-01T16:22:00.003+08:00

Every single time when I think about something I would quickly scribble it down somewhere, before I forget. I think I'm rather absent-minded at times, but I've manages to curb it with only a pen and a notepad!! So bottomline is, even though I haven't been updating this, I have never stopped writing ^^

Things have definitely started looking up. I'm really glad to say that I feel comfortable with my class. Everyone in my class is a single-digit-pointer, so yeah you can imagine the stress. But the people are generally nice and fun to hang out with. An interesting thing about my class is that there is a Korean guy who is so physically fit that he can balance himself horizontally in air, off ground, with only both his hands on the flag pole. Apparently his dad is a body-builder who punches his stomach while he does his routine of sit-ups everyday. (!!!!!!!!!!!)

I find myself falling asleep through most of the lectures. Like it's really tough to concentrate. My head would gradually weigh more on my shoulders, and my eyelids become heavy then everything's a blank before my neighbour sends me a nudge. Jolted awake, I would feel refreshed all over but in less than a minute my eyelids turn droopy again and the cycle continues till the bell rings. I guess it's because there isn't much interaction during lectures, and with my hands motionless I tend to space out...............Goodness this is unbecoming.

Rigours of Jc life are kicking in. My earliest dismissal time is 2.30pm and occurs only at most twice a week. And if it rains I'd have to stay back till it subsides. And note, my school is in Potong Pasir. Sometimes when I glimpse at my watch I can't believe time has flown by so quickly because after half an hour I am still not home. I really dread going to school I feel so deprived of sleep I NEED SLEEP!! Please understand that there is only one thing I look forward to everyday, and that is to go home. I have blues on Mondays and when Wednesdays come I become happier cus that'd mean 2 more days to end of week!! Fridays are the best. Right now I am looking forward to the one week of vacation in March!!

MSA's coming and I'm really disappointed with myself because I keep on getting answers that are wrong for simple math questions which I used to solve so effortlessly. My only consolation? MSA takes up only five percent.

Still, I thank God for everything because I know things could have easily been way worse. With my eyes on Him, I think there's nothing to fear at all. So look, I'm gonna study and if I don't do well for MSA, I'm gonna be fine with it. Because I'm already trying and will have done my best, so all fears aside. ^^

Gotta moodle now ciao.

2009-02-26T18:26:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the hiatus, I know I haven't updated for eons so er I'm gonna update soon but not now cus I gotta run. Just doing Nachi a favour. Go to http://thepopupstore.wordpress.com !!

Life's been pretty good!! Amen, thank God for everything. Ciao.

Overdue

2009-02-19T16:56:00.004+08:00

Happy 17th Kenneth!!And V/Friendship Day:

Hello life's busy and all but I'm slowly getting used to it!! (Praise God!)

I'm sorry this was previously locked well for some reason but now I think it's fine already.

Gotta call Meejs now so bye.

(Happy birthday Grandmom, I really miss you. Really.)

Foever, a saint.

2009-02-06T19:14:00.002+08:00

In the midst of mass dance I received a phonecall from Aj to go down for an interview. Informed my Ogl then left the school to go home and get my results slip. Headed down to Aj after and had a few words with the p. Well, I shan't elaborate much but I can tell you I was really pissed off. ( I can tell you in detail, but not here)
So bottomline is, it gave me a really bad impression of her, and I think what I'll remember of her is that veneer of superficiality beneath. But well, I'm really proud of myself, because I refused to relent, and most of all, I have tried so I know years down the road when I look back, I wouldn't regret. I know it's definitely not her loss, but it certainly isn't mine either. I wouldn't even think of appealing if not for the fact that SA's far.
If you take a walk around SA, you'd see the words "No one is here by chance", and yeah, I'm definitely not in SA by any chance. It's where my heart is. Though the first day was a dread, it subsequently got better. I really thank God for this.

Yeah SA is really far, but I'm gonna find a way to live with that. ^^

I have nothing else to say to her, but I really hope she can treat her students with more respect. I'm glad I kept my cool, or I would have shut her up with Argyrus's "balls to you!!" But I'd never stoop to her level.

( random note to EKoh: pls stop using words from my blog I'm telling you honestly, I really don't like it. Balls to you if I see it again )

A week ago.

2009-02-05T23:25:00.005+08:00

Grace's farewell(Someone from johnnies pls upload these onto our blog cus I'm too lazy thanks alottttttttt)

Marina with 408 clique!
It was Chingay rehearsal that night so the sky was really beautiful when there were fireworks, can you imagine, it was so lovely, with all of us there (:

Tomorrow's the last day of orientation....sigh and I'll be back to studying. This sucks. Whatever, whatever, go sequia.

St Andrew's

2009-02-04T17:37:00.004+08:00

School has finally started.... First day was a bummer. Squeezed like sardines on the bus, and was late. Orientation was sigh....plain draggy. The people there are fine to me actually, but damn this orientation's five days' long I'm getting a little tired of it already. But things started to get better on the second day well because I can really see the enthusiasm within the councillors and orientation was more fun. But I really sigh when I think of the distance. It's completely not what I expected. I took more than a whole hour to reach school and go home. This is taking a toll on me, seriously. I'm like wasting precious time everyday and I don't wanna continue like this!! So I've appealed to Aj today, which is a lot better because the train ride's only 30 minutes. Well but if the appeal doesn't get through, then fine I shall wake up early to take the early bus everyday and find some faster way to get home. ^^

I've finally decided which subjects to take, but I don't think I'm really ready to study. It feels so competitive now because wherever I look I see smart people omg and during the subjects' talk it finally hit me real hard. JC life is tough!! I'm already getting all stressed out, I don't even know if I can survive with the workload. Sigh and worst thing is, I don't know what I wanna do in future. I mean, I'm thinking of psychology, but well maybe I'm still unsure yet.... I really don't know.

I haven't been really happy since school started. I knew this would happen because I have always hated attending school, and now I miss my friends and nh so much. I hope things'd turn out better.... I'm really praying for God to give me peace. And I trust Him.

Sigh and my dad's students are coming over this Sunday omg my house is in a pathetic mess.... And they'll be watching some 3D movie with my home theatre system. But I'll be in church for meeting until quite late in the afternoon so maybe I wouldn't see them ^^ But well if I do then I think I'll consult them about Uni courses since they're all university students. Sighhhhhhhhh I'm feeling like an adult already.

Unanticipated

2009-02-01T17:41:00.003+08:00

School starts tomorrow. Orientation's gonna be tiring I heard it ends at 6 and it's a five-day thing. New school, new environment, new friends.... Currently faced with fear of the unknown, but honestly I'm gonna turn 17 I believe I can handle this, I'm not gonna be a baby and whine 'I don't wanna go to school because I scared!!' I mean, sooner or later in life there has to be times like this where I would be put in an unfamiliar environment so yeah I'll just face it man after all life goes on....and SA's a good school hurrah!!

Sigh I'm really not feeling excited or anything because I'm not completely ready for school so yeah if you wanna comfort me maybe you can just drop me a sad smiley lol okay it's just a stupid joke.

(For Grace: Hey I've written whatever I wanted to say in that letter, and yeah just wanna say again I'll miss you. Have fun in Sydney and do come back when you're free!! Keeping you in my prayers love! )

Tire

2009-01-30T15:49:00.006+08:00

I got into St Andrew's.
I'm gonna be a saint. "Once a saint always a saint" kept ringing in my head when I got the text from MOE. Hello I'm a saint woohoo it feels so real now^^
For the past few weeks since I submitted my results I've been praying really hard, even till the moment before I whipped out my phone to read the message I was still praying. I just prayed, for God to give me what I should have, and where I can glorify him best.

Frankly, I'm tired of this whole waiting game. This viscious cycle perpetuates. First was the butterflies in stomach while anticipating olvl results, then it was the nerve-wrecking five days to choose 12 codes, then it's this appealing thang, and after that it'll be a tough time choosing the damn subjects. Honestly, this whole Olvl saga, never ends. I see so many people appealing and appealing omg it just brings about so much uncertainties like hey when the hell are we gonna settle down man.............so sick.

I think I'm rather contented with SA so I don't wanna appeal to NJ or anywhere else. Well, I'm being really honest with myself when I say I don't really have the need to go Nj. All I've heard from that school is that they're all muggers, and that's enough to turn me off. Not that I'm not bothering to even try, but honestly I ask myself 'is there a need to....' and well, not really.....
Sa in my opinion, is really good enough, if not better.
I've noticed this domino effect.....Hc rejects go to Nj, Nj rejects go to Aj/Ac, Ac/Aj rejects go to Sa, Sa rejects go to Cj, Cj rejects go to Pj/Jj..............So that explains why all the COPs were reduced.

I'm no longer schoolless now. I'm back to being a student. That feels so....surprisingly familiar. After so many months.
Guess I'm at least a quarter ready.

I feel blessed and safe enough, thank you God. For everything. I know You always have my best interests at heart. ^^

Gloom

2009-01-29T23:03:00.002+08:00

A trip back to Nh today...............Nh is still pretty much the same, when I walked around the school I saw so many random paintings that made me go "Sigh, cheena..........." in my head. I guess that's the way Nh's gonna be for life. I was looking for my favourite L and I saw him! Still the same sleepy eyes and unkempt hair...........boy I really wish he could try to look tidier...then chatted with Mrchew sigh seeing the students going up to him with physics questions just reminds me of the old days.........Drama after, and omg Ernz is just so gay but I like his earrings^^ then during a conversation with the juniors I realised our 08 batch of secfours brought the school to Band One I was like omg est nooooooooooooo wouldn't that be too easy for FSF................(!!) Seriously, I'll never forget how much of a tyrant fsf was. (kbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

By tomorrow I'll know which school I'm going omggggg everything's happening so quickly next monday's already the start of school I need to catch a breath!! I really detest school bcus sigh I have to wake up so early and drag my feet up the damn bus and I can't believe this cycle's gonna perpetuate after more than 2 months of break..................

(Just my luck!!) I awoke really early today and walked all the way to that damn shop, hoping against hope that GG is still available........... I scanned the shelves thouroughly again and again....no GG....panic panic panic........... Asked the woman sitting behind the computer if she could find it for me.....She replied "Give me a sec........" and came back to me "sorry it's rented out already"....omg I'm so damn disappointed. It'll be returned only on 3rd feb great which is when sch starts ............. sigh.

I'm gonna blog another day sorry this post sounds really incoherent bcus I really don't feel like blogging today I'm just waiting for the vid to load and I have nothing to do omg I don't like BBF's domyouji he has curly hair like mozart so uhhhhhhhgleeeee. Ciao.

Camwhore enthusiasts

2009-01-28T00:29:00.005+08:00

Individual poses with the bin
Self timed
Sixth level of a random carpark
This was last Friday. Watched Changeling with E then met up with J and N after. A simple dinner at DTF then explored a little of the Jw district and camwhored at the playground area and some faraway carpark. It's been so long since I've camwhored this crazily with members of our foureightclique........ah it just reminds me of that last day of school when we were all by the staircase bottom taking funny videos and getting into all sorts of insane poses........I realised Jane has kept them in a fb album haha I'm gonna go copy some ^^ and steamboat on Friday omg I really hope I can make it, even if it's for a little while. You've no idea how much I miss you guys. Ciao.

25 Random things

2009-01-27T01:04:00.003+08:00

Tagged by Amanda.

1. I am currently trying to figure out where th usb hole is..... (OLD CPU!)
2. I really dislike cny I wish it can be over when I blink my eye.
3. I'm having a panic attack because I'm leading worship in 2 weeks' time!! :S
4. My dad's students are coming over to my house either this or next week for cny, it sounds fine yeah but thing is, there's more than 20 of them.
5. Grace is leaving for Sydney already.
6. I often feel hurt when what I do goes unappreciated.
7. -
8. I've a habit of reading before I sleep every night.
9. I laugh at the screen when I read some funny blogs.
10. I think I'm a really responsible treasurer, thank God!
11. My ideal boyfriend has to have a earhole.
12. On diet now. Not the extreme kind though.
13. I've been wanting to watch gossipgirl since O's ended.
14. I'm a total IT geek.
15. I sound really mature when I'm serious.
16. I don't like to see guys in secondary school shorts. It's really, gross. (dknz)
17. I think a lot about many things, those in the past, those right before my eyes, those 'if I had my way'.........and sometimes I just like to be in my own quiet corner to pen my feelings down.
18. I've just finished O's last yr and I'll be taking A's next year, wth is this?
19. I'm gonna take up driving lessons once I'm eligible for that.
20. I think there's so much more to my life...........maybe someday I'll be like Dora and start exploring the world.
21. Studying abroad has never crossed my options.......... I really hate being in an unfamiliar environment.
22. I'm gonna make my child learn piano guitar violin drums ballet hiphop streetjazz and waltz.
23. Maybe my passion lies in Psychology.
24. I want my tanlines back.
25. I'm not ready for school yet.

I'm not tagging anybody.

Roku

2009-01-22T12:11:00.006+08:00

Steamboat at some remote corner in Bugis(Before steamboat at Missclarity)

In the neoprint booth:

It's like a pic spam because Jo's cam has this really cool function that allows us to take 10 shots at one go so basically it's something like this:

Flash 1-twoseconds-Flash 2-twoseconds-Flash 3-twoseconds-Flash 4-twoseconds-Flash 5-twoseconds-Flash6-twoseconds-Flash 7-twoseconds-Flash 8-twoseconds-Flash 9-twoseconds-Flash 10

During each interval of 2 seconds we would hastily change our positions, but most of the time to no avail hahaha (chuckles)............but we're getting better at it!! Jo said we took more than a hundred pictures hahaha and I realised most shots were really candid.

"Keeps gettin better.........." This 10-shot thang is gonna be click six's must-have whenever we hang out. Someday when you see us you will marvel at how fast we can switch positions and still smile looking at the camera within only 2 seconds ^^

2009-01-21T14:30:00.002+08:00

There're so many things I wanna do, and I vow, that I will and must fulfil them. I got my pay ystd!! (excited) Er though it's only a mere 500 plus cus well, I really hate to say this but a part of my money has been transferred to my cpf account wth wth wth......... I'm only barely 17 and I have a....CPF account? Is this a joke? You guys don't laugh. When I finally break my bones when I'm 60 I'll have loads of money then. I plan for the future, I'm being very realistic alright?
CNY's around the corner did I say I really dislike CNY. It's like when you go shopping you see everywhere teeming with throngs of people and disgusting cheena music blasts everywhere......and I hate entertaining relatives, I know it's kind of a once-in-a-year thing, but still......I'm not being rude or obnoxious here but honestly, I'd rather settle somewhere and chill with my favourite people......sigh.
Visited Grandmom ystd.....it's been almost half a year. There're so many things I wanna tell you, so many times I wished you were beside me, and gosh, I can't believe I'm still crying sometimes when I think about that night......it's so teribbly.....painful. I know you're with God, I certainly do.....but I really miss you. But still, thank you God......

Recollections

2009-01-20T12:29:00.002+08:00

Last night, I was decluttering my room. And I paused for a while to take a look at those letters, gifts and photographs which I've been keeping in those boxes. I realised I have actually collected so many keychains which actually date back to more than 4 years ago. And a whole box full of letters, little notes of encouragement, valentine's/birthday's/christmas greetings and random Post-Its. I began to read every one of them. I laughed when I saw Chelsea's letter(which is the only letter from her), because it reminded me of how lazy she was to even start writing. My eyes widened when I read one of Meejs's earlier ones because she actually said she wanted to get eight, so hmm eight was her initial goal....... Felt nostalgic when I flipped through all the valentine's and birthday letters/cards which come from so many people who mean much to me- Jenn, Yeeni, Jo, Meejs, Amanda, Jane, Jias, Jas, Est, Chels..... I cried when I read the letters written to encourage me to stay strong when my grandmother passed away...thanks Meejs, Amanda, Lingying, Jiayu, Est, Johnnies..because I really appreciate them, even now. I smiled when I my eyes fell on the photographs, every one of us, so happy, flawless, in there. And those Neos, they remind me of the old times, when I was in 204 and everyone was so close... I have taken some with Na, Audrey, Yiyan, Jane, some with Est, Jias, Jas, some with Jenn, Yeeni, Meejs, and some with click six..... And I realised, I haven't taken any last year. Funny because I noticed this only last night. Well but I've already taken one with click six yesterday, and they're really fabulous, a great kickstart for 2009!! Honestly, it feels so good when you have memories kept like this. Years down the road I would probably have forgotten but isn't it great to know that when I lift the lids up I would be able to recollect everything in the past. I'm glad I have such wonderful memories with my friends....thank you God (:

Random: My mum was decluttering too and she found three guides to learning Japanese zomg I'm so excited I'm gonna start speaking Japanese someday!!