Bygones

Last night, a bleep. Under the pillow. I awoke. Rubbed my eyes a little and whipped out my phone, wondering who would text me at such an unearthly hour. It read ' I'm sorry '. Half-squinting at the screen, I thought for a little.
' You sent wrongly. '
But the reply came back, no. It took me a while. I sensed the sincerity I guess. Funny, it's been about what.. three years? I've put the past behind, you were forgiven long ago. I'm sure we're still friends. Definitely. I tucked my phone back under. And as the thunder sets in, despite the stormy night, I felt a warm stirring in my heart as I snuggled back to bed. With the blanket held close, it felt so safe.

Time, a nauseating crawl.

I’m watching as the seconds tick by on the digital screen. Fast. But not fast enough. Eyes lifted up to the screen, hollow. Half-stoning. Mind drifting away. Take a peek at the watch again, two minutes. Restless. The person beside me jots down notes. Earnestly. While the teacher gives her precious comments on the group’s presentation earlier. Comments? Or judgments? Criticism? To spur the students on, or to simply kill time? She takes a quick glance at her watch. Secretly waiting for the lesson to be over, I bet. I shift my eyes back to my notes. Doodle a smiley and spam dots at the side. Not interested at all. Brain is dead. I’m just in my own corner of happy with this scrap of foolscap and the pen in my hand. Thinking. Thinking about….nothing. My thoughts at this point have become too incoherent to be scripted down, one by one. I’m humming my favourite song while I write. While others are actively engaged in the discussion about… about what? Oh yes the comprehension. A man comes in suddenly. Informs us about the honeybees whose homes have been destroyed by yesterday’s storm. He warns us to be quiet and travel in small numbers. I laugh at this unexpected scene with a dreamlike quality. He leaves and I look out the window. Honeybees…dancing in the air. Frantically. In a swirl. Before my thoughts flew with them, the bell rings. End of another school day, hurrah. Bliss.

Another

I am not unaware that maturity sets in at different stages in different people. But it can get annoying when I find people being unable to see things the way I do, but viewing things in a one-sided manner, being over-anal about insignificant details. I understand that some people cry, scratch their heads, and ultimately find themselves back at square one. But seriously, many things just lie within one self. Whether you want to, or not. There isn't any 'I can't' if you could just stop shutting that option out even before you measure the possibilities. When things seem not you, it calls for a change. A change within. Is it so hard to comprehend, even?
Every day, judgments are passed. Within you, within me. Unfiltered, scathing remarks. Words carelessly dished out. It's very simple. You hand in a report and when it comes back, the comments down in red ink on the side read 'flawed assumptions'. You have been judged. Nobody likes this feeling. Because nobody really knows what we're like, so how can anyone just judge us based on what they think? But isn't this the way society functions? People live with judgments because they think it gives them a mind of their own. But what happens if you've misjudged? A lapse in judgment? Truth is, you'll never know. Ever since I've read that we too have flaws that we ourselves are utterly blind to, I always check myself when people around me start judging others. When I see and become clear of my own flaws, what others are judged by don't matter anymore. I don't wanna join in any of such judgements, but thoughts inclined to them would unwittingly surface in my head. Contradicting....isn't it? Conforming is the last thing I'd wanna do, and rejoice, because despite the circumstance I always manage to find peace, where things are between only God and myself. ^^

I haven't read TKMB for ages. Haha how I used to do that so frequently I never wanted to touch it again. No more TKMB, no more Atticus, no more Aunt Alexandra, no more 'coexistence of good and evil', no more 'superficiality of women'. No more Vinod, no more Saloma, bird, symbols, robbery the turning point, no more vulnerabilities and insecurities. No more enjambment, rhyme, repetition, metaphor, imagery. I remember how I used to argue through every piece of essay.. the adrenaline rush when my head's bombarded with thoughts and my hand can't stop writing....how pensive I was whenever I sat down and analysed the question like how Ms Rani always did. I really miss having Lit lessons, writing Lit essays, penning down my most original thoughts. I have always loved Lit, because it's the only subject that makes me feel most myself. Because when I write, I use my own points, I have my own stand, and I support it to win and convince the reader over. Because they are the most original, unaltered ideas that come from me, myself. And I feel good every time I am able to complete an essay thoroughly with all my innermost thoughts voiced out.

I really miss Lit. Really. It has always been my passion...but why did I give it up?

Seventeen

I could imagine, 17 years ago, your anticipation. The longing for my arrival. Though I have no recollection, I really thank God you were around when I first opened my eyes. You watched me grow day by day, you heard my first words. Five. You fetch me to kindergarten and wait for me at the void deck after school. The sun sets, and you make me go to bed at nine. Saturday morning, and I follow you to the market. Sundays, always the best. You wake me up so early, we reach church way before service starts. I lead you to your usual seat on the pews-seventeen. Run to get the bulletin for you. You adjust your glasses a little and start singing while I stare blankly at the chinese characters. Time for offering, and I wait for the bag to reach us. I would gently place the note inside without quite knowing its significance. After service, I run up the flight of stairs to the gallery where it's quiet to pray. To ask God to protect us. To thank God. Seven, and I attend school in the morning. You walk me to the road a few blocks down and wait for the schoolbus to arrive. I wave to you and slowly watch your figure diminish as the bus turns away. After school, and you pick me up at the same area. My hungry stomach churns while I watch you prepare lunch. In the evening when you weren't looking, I would playfully sneak to the refrigerator to steal a sip of cold drink. On days when I'm unlucky you would catch me red-handed and make me go on my knees in the balcony. Till I apologised. On days when you're in a better mood you'd randomly tell me to get a pen and paper to jot down the lyrics while you sing. Your favourite's Jesus Loves Me. Twelve, and I moved. Reluctantly. We hardly slept in the same house since, but I'd go to your place after school, every day, without fail. And I feel like a child all over again. A year back. Your memory started to fail you. You seemed to lose awareness. I was really frightened, keeping my fingers crossed you'd be fine the next morning. Months back, I knew. I knew but tried my best to run away. Selfishly prayed for God not to take you home. Perhaps this has been in me since young. I've never imagined a day without you. Like a kid, I thought if I stopped thinking about it everything'd be fine. But no, not this time. It was time for me to let go. That night on the cab when I recieved the phonecall, I almost passed out. Most painful night. With a lump in my throat I sprinted all the way to your bedside. You have left. Peacefully. Trembling, I went to your ear and whispered 'I love you Grandmom'. Holding my breath as I prayed, I knew you were finally free from all the pain. I knew you were safe. With God. I just wanna thank you Lord, I would have crumbled if not for You.

It's the first time in 17 years. You're not around to celebrate it with me. Sometimes when I close my eyes I really wish you'd be right in front of me when they fly open. How many times have I cried? I can't remember. Neither can I stop. But when I look up at the sky at night, I feel safe, because I know you're watching me from above. With God. This is the best thing in my life. Celebrations don't matter anymore. I'm contented enough, when I know I already have the best. I miss you Grandmom, and I'm now 17. I love you, and this it will be, forever.

Happy seventeeth Geraldine (:

On a random note, I realised the world's really small.

Update

Every single time when I think about something I would quickly scribble it down somewhere, before I forget. I think I'm rather absent-minded at times, but I've managed to curb it with only a pen and a notepad!! So bottomline is, even though I haven't been updating this, I have never stopped writing ^^

Things have definitely started looking up. I'm really glad to say that I feel comfortable with my class. Everyone in my class is a single-digit-pointer, so yeah you can imagine the stress. But the people are generally nice and fun to hang out with. An interesting thing about my class is that there is a Korean guy who is so physically fit that he can balance himself horizontally in air, off ground, with only both his hands on the flag pole. Apparently his dad is a body-builder who punches his stomach while he does his routine of sit-ups everyday. (!!!!!!!!!!!)

I find myself falling asleep through most of the lectures. Like it's really tough to concentrate. My head would gradually weigh more on my shoulders, and my eyelids become heavy then everything's a blank before my neighbour sends me a nudge. Jolted awake, I would feel refreshed all over but in less than a minute my eyelids turn droopy again and the cycle continues till the bell rings. I guess it's because there isn't much interaction during lectures, and with my hands motionless I tend to space out...............Goodness this is unbecoming.

Rigours of Jc life are kicking in. My earliest dismissal time is 2.30pm and occurs only at most twice a week. And if it rains I'd have to stay back till it subsides. And note, my school is in Potong Pasir. Sometimes when I glimpse at my watch I can't believe time has flown by so quickly because after half an hour I am still not home. I really dread going to school I feel so deprived of sleep I NEED SLEEP!! Please understand that there is only one thing I look forward to everyday, and that is to go home. I have blues on Mondays and when Wednesdays come I become happier cus that'd mean 2 more days to end of week!! Fridays are the best. Right now I am looking forward to the one week of vacation in March!!

MSA's coming and I'm really disappointed with myself because I keep on getting answers that are wrong for simple math questions which I used to solve so effortlessly. My only consolation? MSA takes up only five percent.

Still, I thank God for everything because I know things could have easily been way worse. With my eyes on Him, I think there's nothing to fear at all. So look, I'm gonna study and if I don't do well for MSA, I'm gonna be fine with it. Because I'm already trying and will have done my best, so all fears aside. ^^

Gotta moodle now ciao.

Sorry for the hiatus, I know I haven't updated for eons so er I'm gonna update soon but not now cus I gotta run. Just doing Nachi a favour. Go to http://thepopupstore.wordpress.com !!

Life's been pretty good!! Amen, thank God for everything. Ciao.

Unanticipated

School starts tomorrow. Orientation's gonna be tiring I heard it ends at 6 and it's a five-day thing. New school, new environment, new friends.... Currently faced with fear of the unknown, but honestly I'm gonna turn 17 I believe I can handle this, I'm not gonna be a baby and whine 'I don't wanna go to school because I scared!!' I mean, sooner or later in life there has to be times like this where I would be put in an unfamiliar environment so yeah I'll just face it man after all life goes on....and SA's a good school hurrah!!

Sigh I'm really not feeling excited or anything because I'm not completely ready for school so yeah if you wanna comfort me maybe you can just drop me a sad smiley lol okay it's just a stupid joke.

(For Grace: Hey I've written whatever I wanted to say in that letter, and yeah just wanna say again I'll miss you. Have fun in Sydney and do come back when you're free!! Keeping you in my prayers love! )

Unafraid

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my life- what I've been through, what I enjoy doing most, and what I want. I'm turning 17 soon, and I realised, how one reacts towards certain things actually affects how decisions are made. Most of the time in a way that's too subtle that it seems like a natural instinct. As we grow, we learn to look at things from a slightly different perspective and in so doing, we mature. Every new experience leads to a new discovery, and becomes a testimony of our own. By scripting down every single thought and reflection, we're actually sharing. Opinions may differ, but at some point in our lives, we would have to agree that experiences are the best teachers of life. There're so many decisions to make, so many paths to choose from, so many lessons of life I have and have not learnt. I may have to struggle to come to terms with the ugly, harsh facts of life that I'll face and right now I have absolutely no idea what is in store for me. Would I remain undaunted and unfazed by people who make my life miserable? Would I stay strong and unfaltering should things get too tough? Would I be able to overcome all odds, and emerge as someone closer to God? I do not know, but thank God I have Him, "for His compassions never fail" (Lamentations 3:22). No matter where I go, I would know for sure, I can always rely on Him, for I know He loves me, and this is a reason good enough for me to learn to live up to His expectations, to be someone worthy of His love. I'm really glad, God's always here for me. With His safe reassurance, I don't think there's anything to be afraid of .^^

Blues

Like can you believe it it's almost 3 in the morning results are in less than 12 hours away.

You're someone who gets angry at the most insignificant things in the world and remains indifferent when the rest of the people around you are getting all frustrated and annoyed. When you had Art to manage your mood became unpredictable and we had to buy you your favourite food to cheer you up. For a few weeks you loved orange peels, for the next few you loved seaweed. Then there were the chillifish, chawanmushi, otah and dewberry cookies. You would buy the fiftycents laksa and complain how stingy the uncle is, you would talk about FiftyCent to borrow fifty cents from us, and you would buy the rice from Western's then PK with Est and Chels to see who's got the most slippery buy. You would say a joke out of the blue then I would look at you blankly and laugh sarcastically after a few seconds. You would keep us updated about the latest sales going on and spend a bomb on onlineshopping. I would turn faint whenever I see your wordy emails about orders and complicated blogshops but kudos to you bcus you always seem to manage it all easily. You would tease me occasionally about BL and I would be very nice and play along with you, and you would get all excited at the mention of gays and hairy men. You're as fickle as the rain, but somehow I always knew what decision you would make ultimately. You're one of th weirdest friends I have, but I love you like that. We have been classmates for four years, and I hope we can still always chat about random stuff........I know you're not someone good at words and stuff like 'I love you', 'I miss you' are definitely not your style but it's alright because you're genuine like that. I love you! Don't worry about tmrw already!!

Wait.

Life is short, really. Though date of results day isn't confirmed, I have a feeling it's coming in less than ten days, like I can totally count them off my fingers. Waiting, aniticpating. Frantic, pounding heart. Skin cool like marble. Blood pumping through my head. It's like a toss of a coin, either you get this, or you don't. Right now, I'm just hoping against hope results day would get delayed (as much as possible). It's not that I'm afraid of how I'd do, but my heart just isn't ready for what would happen next. Would life take on a turn? Honestly when I look at this whole thing I feel a little silly, because I know a few years down the road when I look back this is gonna look really insignificant, like how psle is to us right now......... but why does this put me on tenterhooks if it doesn't matter at all........ The prospect of it all just makes me cringe so much..... But thanks, I leave it to God.

Click six

I love squeezy shots like this. Hi lovelies, things're gonna be different this year, but I hope what we have will remain close to our hearts, and when time passes by, what actually keeps us together are memories like this. Cookies, movies, brownies, camwhoring......... This is really a bunch whom I think can really do stupid things together and not bother how others would think. Maybe because when we're together we're all just simple, so we hardly have any conflicts and this is something I really love about us because among friends in cliques it's inevitable not to have conflicts but scratch that, we have proven it wrong. I hope as time goes down the road, we would still be able to have fun like this.........I love you guys all five of you (: