Christmas

It's been a while since I've spent time alone like this. I enjoy every bit of solitude because it provides silence for my thoughts to run. I'm getting a lot of DejaVu nowadays and I still can't decide if I like it. Something happens, and I start to see similar images in my head. Vague ones. I try to focus so I can get a clearer sense but they flicker and leave too quickly every time I do it. So I give up. It's way too exhausting having to chase after several images that may merely be figments of my imagination. But they inspire me to write because I'd like to think of them as subtle and delicate. So there, clarity may not be well-received by me all the time. Maybe it is through picking up scattered pieces everywhere that makes everything so much clearer for ourselves. Because such little occasions reveal part of the truth, one by one. And till today, I'm still collecting them. It feels like it never ends because when I think it has I'm always thrown off guard when a new one springs up and fits in so appropriately. I've always missed you and I guess it's the most during christmastime. Shimmering lights that dazzle and confuse me at the same time. They fade in, fade out. Almost hesitant, but keeping up with the beat of my heart. Your favourite tracks and I sing along. Reminds me of your voice which I haven't heard since you left. Every bit of christmas is like a trigger that tugs at my memory. I close my eyes and I see myself sitting under the tree eagerly looking for my name on the glitzy labels. Then I give you a hand with your gifts because you always have difficulty with unwrapping. Then to the one flashback I always have - your favourite question when the bottom of the tree is filled with all the shiny paper and ribbons.

"Do you know who the gifts are from?"

"Er, you, mom ---"

"Wrong. They're all from Jesus."

And I always got befuddled because obviously Jesus didn't buy them. But years have passed and helped me to see beyond what I could only think of as a child. Indeed, every gift, material or non-material, is from Him. He who does not change like shifting shadows. And you're one of the best. You must be having a great time with Jesus. Christmas reminds me of real joy. Real eternal gifts. Real spirit of giving. So this is really what it means to me, and I thank God for feeling this way because I know it's real and it can never be taken away.