A Writer's Dream

I'm usually clueless regarding what I'd like to do in the future but I'm certain of two things: 1. I have no passion for teaching. 2. I love writing but that may not be what I would do after all.

Surely I have contemplated options like journalism but whàt I'd like to belíeve is that there are indeed more options that I am unaware of, just like how I always thought my greatest passion was Literature until I discovered Linguistics. According to popular belief, my degree in Linguistics/English would not be able to earn me big bucks.

What gave me a pleasant surprise one day was walking past an article that hung on my dad's wall. I could see that he was proud of it (and me). In retrospect I realized I actually had the honour of experiencing what it means to be a writer while I was still in primary school. I wrote about my heavy heart upon the demise of a tree that had been struck down by the merciless thunderstorm of the night.

The most interesting part in hindsight, is not the content but the article being written in Mandarin. There was no Googletranslate, whose tremendous usefulness has now earned my reliance. I found it pretty hard to believe that I actually was capable of writing an article in Mandarin and have it published thereafter (therefore earning myself five bucks). I vaguely remember trying my best week after week to improve in writing so that my article could get selected. Though most people easily had more than one chosen, I am humbly in awe of this favour I was granted. Maybe I've given up on mastering a language, but I realized, I've never given up on writing.

Vacation

There are many things I write about but among these things there are also many things that I choose to keep to myself. Here is a post to explain the hiatus, if anyone bothers to keep track and notices my lack of 'updates'. Sometimes what I write here dates back to years ago when I first scripted them down but most of the time they come from my diary. Lately my thoughts have become too personal and I don't feel comfortable with sharing them. I'm not having insecurities, but I'm getting to understand myself better and I guess I was never one to tell others directly what I am. Despite saying all of that, I will not stop writing here. I'm currently embracing a long break whose end I do not wish to see at the moment. If there's one thing on my mind, it's probably getting my body clock back in order. I am not sleeping early though I have been faithfully turning in before midnight. I just wish to get more rest so I can write with a clearer mind.

Surrender

It is incredibly exhausting how things have come in one after another at breakneck speed this week that I have almost forgotten it's not even the end of the week. Every morning I look forward to my (peaceful) slumber when I've checked everything off the list for the day. But my mind will not give me a break even when I have tucked myself into bed. Before I can sleep several things run through my mind.

I think of who to pray for. I think of what I need to script down onto paper. I think of what I need to do the next day, who I have to meet, what deadlines I have to meet.

I'm typing this in the few minutes before my mind officially shuts down. From the comfort of my bed (oh dear bed) and in a few seconds this post will be sent from my Blackberry to Fierce.

Things are weird when my thoughts are incoherent. Last week I half-dreamt that I was possessed because my tummy was aching the whole night. Threw up the next morning and took a blood test after the doctor bruised my stomach with his latex-gloved hands. Gastric pain. Not new.

I don't know where this is heading but actually I did not plan for any direction.

4 projects, 2 assignments - all in 3 weeks.
Reminder for this week: Surrender.

Goodnight.

Reality (Or not)

For the past few weeks I experienced surreal moments of a few minutes where I could not separate myself from my state of dream. Each one probably lasted only a few minutes but the presence of this unfamiliar semi-reality was telling. My brains felt exhausted as though my thoughts raced incessantly in my entire duration of sleep. I vaguely recalled a few intensive dreams I had and it seemed like I was in Inception. Basically I just woke up and felt like I did not belong.

I consider this a threat to my existence because for a good three minutes I could not find myself and I forgot the names of the people I love. I am afraid that these three minutes would one day find a way to last. But I will not be able to end the moment because I am paralyzed in that moment.

I am also aware that it is an abstract idea I am problematizing and maybe there is really no such dimension that is trying to infiltrate my life after all. I have no idea when I would encounter this alternate state again but I surely need more sleep.