Round trip

Head against the glass pane, staring out at the chilly scene. The wind is howling. People are whipping out umbrellas, dashing to that busstop. The busstop where I've been to countless times last year. I adjust my heavy head a little and my gaze shoots straight to that building. Hasn't changed much, has it? I haven't forgotten how much it wrecked my heart every time I walked out of it, how I fought to quell those tears that just wouldn't go away, how the humid air choked my throat. I remember the night when I tucked you in bed while I sang Jesus loves me with the kids. You were falling fast asleep........that looked so peaceful. I really wished time stopped there. On the night when I walked out of the hospital for the last time, I finally let go of those selfish thoughts. I knew you'd have it so much better in heaven. I cried the hardest in my entire life. It's been a year since.....How have you been? Maybe you're reading this with Jesus now. Just wanted to let you know, I miss you and definitely love you still, every day. One year has passed. Means a step closer to heaven, a step closer to you. Thank God there's Him, or I would never know how to face this. You've always been in my thoughts, dearest grandmom.

Identity

I encountered a rush of familiarity during GP class. Something warm, something that made my adrenalin sprint. Prejudice. Social divides. Like literature class. My thoughts wouldn't stop returning. Surface, superficiality. Women in Maycomb. Society. I picked up my pen and it went from there. Took me a while to realise Prejudice has been one of those topics I favoured. Sensitive issues, what people often tend to avoid and turn a blind eye to. But knowing well it doesn't drive them away. Tackling them has always been a favourite - the memory remains vivid. Because it reminds me of where I stand. I'm clear. And it's calling for me to face it - my passion has never waned. Maybe a second chance will make a difference. Guess I'll never know, because I never dwell on 'What-ifs'. And recalling the decision was not made without prayer, I feel safe. Perhaps I never liked taking my passion to be the ordinary. Because it’s my own keep, it belongs to myself and it should never be examined. Subjected to the judgment of others who may not even share my thoughts. Had I left it this way, passion wouldn’t remain pure then, would it? I’m clearer. No regrets, because I am my passion’s keeper.

WWID w/o you?

My every move, every thought. Every trigger, every slightest judgment that goes on inside. When my heart plummets, when my jaws clench. When I feel like every ounce of my strength is battered, when every breath feels like the last, you know them. You see me right through my emotions, it's as if you were me. You know me, way more than myself. Distractions, disorientation. I lose focus and forget that even so you'd know. It's amazing when I look away from everything else and turn my eyes entirely, solely, onto you. Because you always make things fall in place. No one.. could ever make me feel so safe. That's when I know you're God. I know you're spurring me on whenever I feel like I'm losing it. Whenever I try to rely on myself. My weak self. I know I can't. The cheesy line goes, my life would suck without you. But you're different. Without you, my life wouldn't just suck. It'd be over. Way, way over.
That's why I'd have it no other way.

It's such a bliss to have you in my life.